2ndclepunkbuddha

Tonight I went out to dinner and ate a semi lousy meal (that was really due to the foot dragging of the staff, plus the fact that the grilled cheese was something I could've eaten at home), then went to the local Dave & Buster's to play games.  Marq was all stoked about air hockey, and yes he beat me.  Then we played one of those basketball games to get as many shots in the hoop in 30 seconds (I won a few of those games, but I lost track of how many we actually played), and then we played House of the Dead 2 where we didn't win but I scored higher than he did on it.  As we decided to sit at the bar and drink milkshakes, I passed by this man who I was sure I knew somehow.  We may have made eye contact and for a split second, I said to Marq that I saw this man in a stripped sweater back there and he looked so familiar to me.  I looked a few times in that direction thinking that I would see him again, but no such luck.  After a final air hockey game (and y...

As the year comes to a close once again, it's time to take a look back on the year's events and what one has or hasn't learned from the experience.  2012 was a year of ups and downs, to be sure, but then again what year hasn't been for me?  The biggest changes and experiences came in the form of educational pursuits as they have been for the last several years.  As I have documented, I started Practicum at a middle school in a Northeast Ohio suburb (but I won't say where, because I AIN'T CRAZY!), half a day four days a week.  To say that I learned a lot is an understatement.  My mentor is a good woman who I had built up a great trust and working partnership with.  The kids, however, were probably the worst I have ever encountered.  The city kids were better than these assholes.  Some may look at me and say "Oh how can you call them assholes when they are only kids?"  Spend a few hours with them and you'll agree.  I had one kid whose fath...

We have reached the end of classes this semester at CSU.  These last few weeks have been rough ones, no question.  The practicum hassle sent me into a tailspin, my mental health went out of control because of it and that phone call from the past, and I am left wondering what the future will or won't hold for me.  The final on Tuesday is foremost in my mind at this moment, I must blow it out of the water or there will be hell to pay once again.  I think I am feeling a great amount of fear as the appeals meeting comes closer, I don't know what to expect out of it.  The only thing I can say to them is that this experience has caused me to look deep within myself and attempt to learn some things about what exactly is it that I am made of.  I realize a few things, one of which is that I have a very authoritarian streak within me.  What I say has to GO, I am the king of the castle.  Unfortunately others would rather sit on their asses and do nothing and...

Now that the dust has settled from my meltdown the other week, I think I have determined the problem at hand.  That is, I felt like I was abandoned.  The person in question left me (and probably several others) behind when he chose to leave in his moving away.  He chose not to contact me, as he later said, because he felt that he had to move on and he had to make me as well.  I should have made myself, but it lingered for a long time and in many ways still does.  Abandonment is a primal fear that we all have, something that is present within us as infants and never truly goes away.  We fear that someone will leave us alone and we'll have no one to care for us.  As an infant when one is completely helpless and dependant on another to care for us, it is an easy feeling to feel.  When we are adults, we feel that no one understands us and we feel that we have been wronged, such as it is when we are left by a person we love.  Deep within we feel t...

I've been fighting some feelings of depression today, brought on by the last few days' worth of blog outpouring.  Was that possible only a few years ago?  Apparently so.  But I realize it's just a bunch of displaced emotion, sadness which could just as easily shift it's way into anger or anxiety or something else that is otherwise out of control.  I will move on from it, just like I had no choice but to the first time.  Who wants to be with someone who has such poor communication skills anyway?  It's all for the best, reminding oneself is the best medicine.

In light of the most recent blogs, I decided to do a little spying on Facebook once again.  Hey, we all do it, don't we?  And I found that I have not just been unfriended but blocked by the subject of the last few blogs.  I have some thoughts on this, and for some reason I feel the need to share it with the world through this forum. I've moved on.  I was forced to move on thanks to him and his shenanigans (those who were there will know what I am talking about) which drove me to much frustration and tears.  I offended him with my outpouring of rage and using some information.  It came out of me, it was bottled up inside for so long because there was no place for it to go, and it came out.  Perhaps I was asking for trouble when I decided to friend him last year, perhaps I was being mascocistic, but this time, I was not.  Time has softened the blows, time had healed many wounds.  I was wrong, however, to think that he was forgotten about....

Someone read my blog in the recent past.  Of course someone did, it's made for others to read if they would like.  It's certainly not a requirement, but it's there for others to read at their discretion.  He was making a comment about a recent entry that commented on my get together at an eatery with a supposed former FBI agent.  He was rude, vain and self centered, and he left with barely a good-bye uttered.  I think he thought I was crazy, certainly beneath him in terms of intelligence and whatnot.  I have been told that I don't smile enough.  People think that I am cold and unfeeling because of it.  I don't see the point of smiling when you don't need to.  Walk around with a big smile on your face and people think that you're crazy or having a conversation with an imaginary friend.  Nothing is really better than to have a strait face.  I've seen women of all ages who think they can get away with having a bright smile on their fac...

I am feeling better since yesterday's meltdown.  I tried to capture it as best I could in the written word, but sometimes even the best words and descriptions do not do feelings justice.  How can you describe what it's like, pain?  It's something physical for sure, but it's also something within each of us.  It can be triggered by something small, something hidden, something you forgot or tried very hard to forget.  Sometimes I wonder why it is that others think they can be so cruel to others, think it's ok to mess with others' emotions and feelings and it's so not their fault that they do so.  They have their reasons why, they accuse you of being the crazy one who was taking it all so seriously and you are irrational and hysterical.  Meh, I guess it's all relative.  What the best thing is is to just let it be.  Just hope against hope that I can keep going on without so much as another blip on the radar.  It was a big blip, but that's ...

The phone rang.  As I had just talked to Marq a few minutes ago about meeting for the new James Bond movie tonight, I thought it was him.  I answered the phone groggily, thinking it would be him again.  But it wasn't Marq at all.  It was someone else.  It was someone from a long time ago.  At least, it wasn't all that long ago time wise, but it was someone from something that seems like a past life because things are so different now.  It was ten years ago, I was miserable because of him.  I was hanging on with bloody fingernails.  But not him.  He left because he was bored the first time, the second time because my lifestyle was too crazy for him.  I didn't invite him to the party, yes I did.  I didn't ask him to go look at the dinosaur bones at the Natural History Museum, yes I did.  He wasn't invited to a funeral I went to, I said I didn't think it was right to invite him to a funeral for a person he didn't know, a...

Last Friday night, I went out on an Internet date with someone.  Yeah, I know, it's always a tremendous risk and those who attempt to meet others on the Internet have some beyond hilarious stories about what did/didn't happen.  If I decided to write a book on it (and I would not be the first nor the last), I would have quite a tale to tell.  But every once in a while, one combats the feelings of loneliness and attempts to reach out from their sphere of existence and attempt something new.  If there was a better means of communication in the world today, it would not exist.  Ha ha ha ...  So this man sounded decent enough.  He opened his first few emails with saying that he would be traveling to Australia in the next few weeks and asked if I wanted to come.  Semi cheesy pick up line in case you are a bit dense, but I responded in positive to it.  Divorced, two children who play in soccer tournaments, two years older than me.  Sure, I can ...

Many are talking about the World Series games going on right now, as you will see in your local newspapers, blogs, websites, and Facebook postings.  I don't put anyone down for that.  It's all in good fun, just like my election comments during the debates.  Ha ha ha ...  But whenever I think of sports (which is few and far between), I tend to think of my high school years.  It was just an example of what life would be like later on.  If only I knew that way back when. Although I could probably write a library about my (or anyone's) high school experiences, at some point, I was in the mood to do something athletic.  I'm not sure what brought this on, it was something that I don't really approach these days save for the general workouts that one is forced to keep their weight down with after a certain point.  I didn't want to be, never would I be consider "A Jock".  Mostly because most guys I encountered at the time (and still do) were very o...

There has been a decline in civility in the world, this is hardly a revelation.  Also, one never ceases to be amazed at how others do not have accountability for their actions.  Practicum turned into a horror story because of the constant whining and mouths of the tweens around me.  One day, one of the repeat offenders said to "Get out of my face, I'm talking to the real teacher here!"  That was the straw that broke the camel's back with me.  With that I went and wrote him up at the office, a step above detention.  Then, my mentor took him out of class and gave him a good scolding over it.  She said he had really hurt her feelings, that was a very rude thing to say, and when I got back he was going to apologize to me.  His reaction?  A close mouthed smile, looking away.  Then, they told me they didn't want me back after that day.  I was not building positive relationships with the kids. This is why the world is so screwed up....

I've been fighting many urges lately.  Most of them have to do with the discipline problems I am encountering in the Enrichment class.  This is a class for the 7th graders who do not participate in certain activities (band or choir), this class was created as more or less a babysitting session for those not in either.  While I am in favor of a study hall or just letting them read or write or do homework for other classes, the higher ups are instructed to not allow such behaviors and actually DO something.  To say that this is a challenge is an understatement.  Keeping nearly thirty kids under control is truly slave labor, and as I'm not being paid to do this, I am truly a slave.  A small percentage of those in this class are unruly and whiny, the others are passive enough or apathetic about it.  It is that small percent, however, who is always the problem.  They hate being there, they hate don't want to do anything, and perhaps the worst of the wo...

There is a boy in my life now.  He's much younger than me, shorter than me, and very needy.  This is a 7th grade boy, age 12, who I will call Bob.  Bob was a pest when I met him.  He refused to cooperate with anyone or anything, was always faining injury or excuses as to why he couldn't do something, and was always running down to the office for some foolish reason or another.  At first he made me angry, what a bad attitude, I thought.  But once I learned a few things about him, I saw him in a new light. Over the summer, Bob's father murdered his mother then killed himself.  He was sent to live with Granny, Granny died of a heart attack a few weeks later.  Then he was sent to live with an older brother, and the older brother died of a drug overdose in August.  Now he's living with a sister, most likely being shuffled from foster home to foster home.  He was sleeping in class the other day, because he was out until 2 in the morning on a...

It has roughly been a month since the assignment began with the 7th grade in Practicum.  If you have not read the Facebook updates, needless to say, it's been dramatic.  Not as dramatic as the city school is, but it is considered to be an urban experience.  And I would have to agree.  Kids in this age group are notorious for mood swings, temper tantrums, and excessive tears.  But that's not news.  In fact, it's not much unlike working in an office where one has to put up with the screaming, fighting, and temper tantrums.  The only difference is that when one was actually in the 7th grade, you could somehow make yourself disappear or meld into the woodwork.  In an office you are being ripped and torn apart and told what an idiot you are.  Fortunately for me, I have had those experiences first and experienced the horror story of it, and learned to keep my mouth shut and learn the fine art of conversation.  When one is chatting with a cowor...

I reached a decision today, one that may affect another.  However, I have taken a new stance in life now and have since decided for the better.  Mental health concerns are for the best, and yes it is rather self centered, but when is it that we are completely altruistic?  It gets you in trouble no matter what you may think.  Women in general are taught to give and give, not think of themselves and do no matter what to make others happy.  At some point, we realize that's a load of bullshit.  We are not weak and we are not going to let others chip away at one's self esteem.  This decision is probably the most asshole decision one can make in the world today (and in order to do so we somehow end up sharing it on the Internet somehow), that is to unfriend someone on Facebook.  That is what I have done.  I had a past with this person, he broke it off about 7 months ago, and I saw him a few more times after that.  A few times it was to retur...

I was given my assignment for Practicum, a middle school in Northeast Ohio (whose name and location I will not reveal because I AIN'T CRAZY!).  A language arts class with 7th graders.  It's been rather stressful, but I did not expect this to be easy.  One cannot expect 7th graders to be easy, as their hormones are raging and their brains are still developing and their synaptic pruning processes are still going on (or whatever they told us in adolescent psych).  But still, when I was asked as to why it is that I wanted to be with this age group, I think it was because I am concerned about their emotional growth as well as their academic.  This is where we begin as adults, because it was where I began as an adult.  Challenging?  Of course it is.  But, if you don't want to accept certain challenges in life, then you may as well just give up completely.  I cannot help but think of a very depressing conversation I had with someone years ago who wa...

Today I returned to CSU for their Practicum orientation.  My name did not appear on the registration forms.  Every time I tried calling the Office of Field Services, I got a snarky response from the receptionist or was forwarded to a voice mail message that no one returned.  But I wrote my name by hand on the attendance forms.  I was going to be informed of the assignment via email, but I never got that in my regular email.  When I checked my CSU email (that I get general information, like about parking and the opening of the new coffee shops on campus), I had not received a new one since 2010.  Even in the future nothing works.  Ha ha ha ... The purpose of today was two fold: to get the assignment (wherever that may be), and to go through some safety lectures.  My assignment was given to me (but I will not reveal the location publicly here, I will simply refer to it as Middle School A) and the grades I will be with (6th, 7th and 8th graders, bo...

In continuation with the previous blog posts on a new outlook and attitude, they are many adjustments that need to be made.  There seem to be two types of people in the world : those who are allowed to do and say whatever they want and expect others to bow down before them, and those who are not allowed to do said things.  Which category am I in?  The first, not the second.  The reason that I am in the first is that when I talk to people (either face to face or on the phone), I am perceived as having an above average intelligence.  Is that the only factor?  Yes, it is.  Once another senses that they are talking to an intelligent being, they believe that you are not allowed to do and say what you want.  They even like to abuse you because they think that they can get away with abusing a person who has intelligence, verbally or physically.  Hence if you fall into the second category, the one who is allowed to do and say anything they want, you ...

As many of you who I am personally acquainted with on any level, I have spent the last few years once again in academia.  After the last insult in the old career, I have decided to make a drastic change, acquire a new degree and certification, and begin a new career in the education world.  That is, I am becoming a teacher.  What kind will remain to be seen, as I will not get into that now.  However, from this moment forward, there are going to be some major changes with Facebook as well as a few outlooks on life.  One may also read this as a How To guide as to having more success in the world.  I thank my dear friend M for lending me a book that I now consider The Bible.  This book is Office Politics : The Woman's Guide to Beat the System and Gain Financial Success by R. Don Steel.  I did not believe it once, but the older I get the more I see this rings true.  I would also like to thank Larry King, author of How to Talk to Anyone, Anywhere ...

The other day I posted on Facebook a clip from a long forgotten movie from my youth, Teen Wolf.  For the sake of redundancy or those who have not seen this cinematic gem that has drifted off into the midst of time, the movie stars Michael J. Fox when he was nearing the peak of his popularity and career success.  He is an average guy, living in an average town, attending high school.  Lately he's been noticing some oddities about himself, thinking it has something to do with going through pubescent changes.  He wants very badly to be more than he is, and especially to have this obnoxious bitch like him.  He then discovers, much to his chagrin, that he is, in fact a werewolf.  Having transformed into this beast, he opens the bathroom door to find his father standing outside, also completely transformed thanks to the presence of a full moon that night.  When he asked why he wasn't told about this sooner, the father gives a weak excuse like he had hoped he...