The End or the Beginning

We have reached the end of classes this semester at CSU.  These last few weeks have been rough ones, no question.  The practicum hassle sent me into a tailspin, my mental health went out of control because of it and that phone call from the past, and I am left wondering what the future will or won't hold for me.  The final on Tuesday is foremost in my mind at this moment, I must blow it out of the water or there will be hell to pay once again.  I think I am feeling a great amount of fear as the appeals meeting comes closer, I don't know what to expect out of it.  The only thing I can say to them is that this experience has caused me to look deep within myself and attempt to learn some things about what exactly is it that I am made of.  I realize a few things, one of which is that I have a very authoritarian streak within me.  What I say has to GO, I am the king of the castle.  Unfortunately others would rather sit on their asses and do nothing and that doesn't sit well with those who would rather sit on their asses because it takes away from sitting time.  Or something.  I can say that this has strengthened my resolve even further, made me see the things in which I need to change, and then I will change accordingly.  Someone told me a long time ago not to wear things on my face, but rather to keep it all inside.  For the most part, that has been the case.  Another contradiction that I have noticed which I have written on extensively in the past - there are those who are allowed to do and say whatever they want and those who aren't.  I am in the not category, since when people talk to me they sense a bit of intelligence and otherwise and therefore decided that I am in the nots.  Ah well, there is only so much you can and can't do towards it. 

Another friend of mine had a sister who was going to be a teacher, her experience was not bad with students but with the staff.  Of this I am aware of at this moment.  Teachers are really hilarious types, because they tend to adapt the same mentality as those around them and act like they are also in high school.  Having worked in a offices in the past, I know the horror of having screaming and fighting coworkers, back stabbing, and people even going through your trash to find out things about you to use against you.  I realized a major mistake I made once, going into the teacher's lounge and sampling some coffee when I was not an employee.  After that I brought my own coffee from outside sources in order to avoid any confrontations.  Petty and jealous and immature?  Of course it is, but like I said, it's how people are despite the rather innocent hope I once had that when high school was over that others would not behave as such.  My friend's sister would come home in tears from the other teachers' antics (parking in the wrong spot, not chatting with others in the teacher's lounge, dealing with the Office Heathers, etc.) and eventually decided this was not for her after all.  And they wonder why this system is so broken. 

When exactly will these things end?  When will I become that perfect, non descript person who will be free of any chatter or oddity?  How does one rise above things if they are not able to or don't know how to do so?  How many times has one been pushed to the limit before they snap?  I have snapped in more than one way, physically and mentally, and yet I am expected to keep going and keep trying.  And I do keep going and keep trying, because what else are you going to do?  THis is just as much an ending as it is the beginning of so many things, I'm just not sure which I am in.