Feelings of abandonment

Now that the dust has settled from my meltdown the other week, I think I have determined the problem at hand.  That is, I felt like I was abandoned.  The person in question left me (and probably several others) behind when he chose to leave in his moving away.  He chose not to contact me, as he later said, because he felt that he had to move on and he had to make me as well.  I should have made myself, but it lingered for a long time and in many ways still does.  Abandonment is a primal fear that we all have, something that is present within us as infants and never truly goes away.  We fear that someone will leave us alone and we'll have no one to care for us.  As an infant when one is completely helpless and dependant on another to care for us, it is an easy feeling to feel.  When we are adults, we feel that no one understands us and we feel that we have been wronged, such as it is when we are left by a person we love.  Deep within we feel the hurt and then when we are abandoned as adults, we feel the hurt deep within us.  It makes you feel desperate and depressed, and when we are left we feel that we cannot live or continue to live without that presence in our lives.  It's irrational, of course, life goes on no matter what happens.

I emerge from the abandonment not just hurt, but fearing the fact that I will once again be abandoned by someone else.  Unfortunately, since this hurt seven years ago, I have had it proven to be time and again.  I've been left by others before and since, it didn't hurt as hard as this one did, but I have since become more and more bitter about others.  I felt at a loss, things were out of my control.  It burrows deep within, and while it can sabotage things in the future in some, it has been nothing but one disappointment after another.  I am, however, past the point of blaming myself and thinking that there is something wrong with me because of this.  I realize that it's not me.  I feel like I have been left behind to pick up the pieces and move on because I have had no choice but to do so.  While I might be shattered on the inside, I have picked up the pieces and moved on as best I could.  I could sit around and cry "oh whoa is me" but I choose not to even though I might be thinking that on the inside.  If anything I have to put on a more cheerful face for others and make everything seem ok when I'm not really.  Submerge yourself in other things and hopefully they will take the focus off self pity and I'll be better.  Practice forgiveness?  Well that's the hardest part.  I am not the big JC, the big JC got to be who he is because he's better than the rest of us. 

So I was left, and the person in question was there once again.  What was the motivation?  I don't know really.  I guess he wanted to see me again, but I said no.  What will happen now?  I've been blocked.  That's probably for the best, as Facebook has caused a new somethin somethin with people in terms of emotions and feelings that were not there a scant few years ago.  No matter how hard we pretend, we're still in high school.  But life goes on.  It's better to realize this now rather than later.

This next part is dedicated to the person in question, should they ever read this : We are resolved.  I'm better now.  My mental health is back to normal once again.