Resolution
In light of the most recent blogs, I decided to do a little spying on Facebook once again. Hey, we all do it, don't we? And I found that I have not just been unfriended but blocked by the subject of the last few blogs. I have some thoughts on this, and for some reason I feel the need to share it with the world through this forum.
I've moved on. I was forced to move on thanks to him and his shenanigans (those who were there will know what I am talking about) which drove me to much frustration and tears. I offended him with my outpouring of rage and using some information. It came out of me, it was bottled up inside for so long because there was no place for it to go, and it came out. Perhaps I was asking for trouble when I decided to friend him last year, perhaps I was being mascocistic, but this time, I was not. Time has softened the blows, time had healed many wounds. I was wrong, however, to think that he was forgotten about. If it truly was forgotten about, I would not have burst into tears as soon as the phone was hung up. People seem to think that in general about me. I've always been rougher and harder than most people, they seem to think that I am devoid of emotion or feelings of sadness and therefore can do and say whatever they like to me. Not true. I have emotions, I have feelings, I have limits. And that limit was crossed that day. Despite all the self imposed training to keep emotions contained, maintain a calm, cool exterior in a crisis and under pressure, I too can and will explode into anger and feelings of depression ensue. Because I have feelings too.
I was angry that that person from the past chose to call because I was not ready for it. If he had said he was going to be around in the next few days and would I want to see him then, I would have been more prepped and ready to do or say something more apropos than "Yeah..." when he said it was good to hear my voice again. It wasn't. I'm tired of all the leftover scraps that I am left with, being told over and over the same things rather than something original.
But, it's for the best that the person in question choose to block me. I cannot move on if we maintained any kind of contact, life is very different now. He made choices long ago and can't back peddle on them. And I made mine as they should be, what choice do I have but to follow them? Cowardice is safer for some, but when you're left alone without an army to back you up, one learns to be a fighter or to die trying. Armor goes back on, I'll go through life still and I imagine he will as well. But it's good to move on knowing that you have done the right thing.
I've moved on. I was forced to move on thanks to him and his shenanigans (those who were there will know what I am talking about) which drove me to much frustration and tears. I offended him with my outpouring of rage and using some information. It came out of me, it was bottled up inside for so long because there was no place for it to go, and it came out. Perhaps I was asking for trouble when I decided to friend him last year, perhaps I was being mascocistic, but this time, I was not. Time has softened the blows, time had healed many wounds. I was wrong, however, to think that he was forgotten about. If it truly was forgotten about, I would not have burst into tears as soon as the phone was hung up. People seem to think that in general about me. I've always been rougher and harder than most people, they seem to think that I am devoid of emotion or feelings of sadness and therefore can do and say whatever they like to me. Not true. I have emotions, I have feelings, I have limits. And that limit was crossed that day. Despite all the self imposed training to keep emotions contained, maintain a calm, cool exterior in a crisis and under pressure, I too can and will explode into anger and feelings of depression ensue. Because I have feelings too.
I was angry that that person from the past chose to call because I was not ready for it. If he had said he was going to be around in the next few days and would I want to see him then, I would have been more prepped and ready to do or say something more apropos than "Yeah..." when he said it was good to hear my voice again. It wasn't. I'm tired of all the leftover scraps that I am left with, being told over and over the same things rather than something original.
But, it's for the best that the person in question choose to block me. I cannot move on if we maintained any kind of contact, life is very different now. He made choices long ago and can't back peddle on them. And I made mine as they should be, what choice do I have but to follow them? Cowardice is safer for some, but when you're left alone without an army to back you up, one learns to be a fighter or to die trying. Armor goes back on, I'll go through life still and I imagine he will as well. But it's good to move on knowing that you have done the right thing.
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