2012, A look back
As the year comes to a close once again, it's time to take a look back on the year's events and what one has or hasn't learned from the experience. 2012 was a year of ups and downs, to be sure, but then again what year hasn't been for me? The biggest changes and experiences came in the form of educational pursuits as they have been for the last several years. As I have documented, I started Practicum at a middle school in a Northeast Ohio suburb (but I won't say where, because I AIN'T CRAZY!), half a day four days a week. To say that I learned a lot is an understatement. My mentor is a good woman who I had built up a great trust and working partnership with. The kids, however, were probably the worst I have ever encountered. The city kids were better than these assholes. Some may look at me and say "Oh how can you call them assholes when they are only kids?" Spend a few hours with them and you'll agree. I had one kid whose father murdered his mother then killed himself over the summer. He was sent to live with grandma, she died of a heart attack a few weeks later. Then he was sent to live with an older brother, the brother died of a drug overdose. And that was how he spent his summer. Now he was living with an older sister, the sister let him stay out until 2 am on a Monday night. No doubt he spends most of his time pushing or trafficking for some dealer. Another kid beats up his mom and his baby sister, no doubt he'll seriously hurt or kill one of them someday. The girls? Not too much drama among the girls unless you count the stereotypical pubescent dramas. Why are they so bad? These are city problems out in the country. The city kids (K-8) have a choke chain around their necks so their behavior is kept in check the entire time unless unsupervised. The kids in the country are allowed the perks that city kids aren't (passes to the bathroom, going to the office, etc.) but abuse them completely. I can only sit there and turn a blind eye to the real problems to both city and country students (as well as suburban should I be in that situation). And yet, insist on discipline and you'll end up in trouble with the staff. Then they boot you out in the 9th out of 15 weeks, having to leave your work and your relationship building behind, as well as leaving the students high and dry. I could go off some more about what nonsense the entire educational system is, no wonder that the system is so broken and we produce kids who can't read or find Mexico on a map. But that's another ballgame.
Also, after having the appeals meeting with the university left me thinking why it is that others cannot really give you answers anymore. Has political correctness taken over to such a point that they can't even tell you when you are doing something incorrectly? It has. I was directed towards web sites that were to give me useful tips and points on how to manage things. They included such useful advice as "dress professionally". Duh! I'd done that! This was maybe useful to a person who had never worked a day in their lives before who is under age 18. So I was left with this : blend in. And that's what one must do, blend in on all levels possible. Patience is a virtue, and it's certainly a virtue to have. I await a reassignment to Practicum as of this writing, but first I have to register online for classes and the university is closed until after January 1st. Craziness and hippie nonsense.
On another level, this year has been a good year in terms of achievement. I have continued my theater work, made some new friends, and have pretty much put all my creative stuff on back burners in favor of the Practicum work. But I am happy if nothing else with just about everything in that field. And I've continued my friendships now going on fifteen years. That's an accomplishment in today's world if nothing else. If there is one lesson I have learned from these things it's that I have left many things about the past behind me and I am enjoying life as an adult (without bellyaching about finances). My dad somehow feels otherwise about this, in that he keeps telling me when he goes off on one of his tirades that I have to still go to my high school or college alma maters in order to make good friends. That came back to bite him in the ass, but that's also another story.
If there was one thing about the past that came back to haunt me, it was that phone call last month. It was more of a surprise than something horrible, but it sent me into an emotional tailspin, the biggest meltdown of the year. It was someone from the past who ran away and he thought he could call and see me again after seven years away. Had I had a few days to prep myself rather than have it just dropped in my lap, maybe I would've been ready for it. But I wasn't, and I reacted in anger and vented it here. In response, he blocked me on Facebook. How do I feel? It's for the best, honestly. I can't move on completely if he tried coming back again. Sometimes I wonder why he called at all, if not just to spite or make me crazy. Maybe he was lonely, maybe he really, really wanted to see me again because he was tired of living out in the middle of nowhere without anyone around. I will never know the answer, because now we aren't in contact at all anymore. Still, I have now released it from me and that's a good thing to do. You can't go through life hanging onto the past, being codependent, and wanting things to change. Like that line in an overblown movie said causing the main character to have his break through "It's not your fault." And now I can go on once and for all, and that's a good thing.
Love, in that same vein, did not happen for me, but I had some hope that maybe it would. It was a good thing to have my first long term boyfriend in five years, but it was not to be. I moved on, he has as well. It wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. But I will gain some knowledge in the fact that I am capable and more deserving of someone better than a burned out loser (which I am not calling this person, not by any means). My mental health went downhill over the end, but I came back as I am better now. Life goes on.
So with that, here's to 2013. May it be drama free, improve things for all of us, and looking to the future with a glimmer of hope. Here's to shiny happy people holding hands (and meaning it, of course).
Also, after having the appeals meeting with the university left me thinking why it is that others cannot really give you answers anymore. Has political correctness taken over to such a point that they can't even tell you when you are doing something incorrectly? It has. I was directed towards web sites that were to give me useful tips and points on how to manage things. They included such useful advice as "dress professionally". Duh! I'd done that! This was maybe useful to a person who had never worked a day in their lives before who is under age 18. So I was left with this : blend in. And that's what one must do, blend in on all levels possible. Patience is a virtue, and it's certainly a virtue to have. I await a reassignment to Practicum as of this writing, but first I have to register online for classes and the university is closed until after January 1st. Craziness and hippie nonsense.
On another level, this year has been a good year in terms of achievement. I have continued my theater work, made some new friends, and have pretty much put all my creative stuff on back burners in favor of the Practicum work. But I am happy if nothing else with just about everything in that field. And I've continued my friendships now going on fifteen years. That's an accomplishment in today's world if nothing else. If there is one lesson I have learned from these things it's that I have left many things about the past behind me and I am enjoying life as an adult (without bellyaching about finances). My dad somehow feels otherwise about this, in that he keeps telling me when he goes off on one of his tirades that I have to still go to my high school or college alma maters in order to make good friends. That came back to bite him in the ass, but that's also another story.
If there was one thing about the past that came back to haunt me, it was that phone call last month. It was more of a surprise than something horrible, but it sent me into an emotional tailspin, the biggest meltdown of the year. It was someone from the past who ran away and he thought he could call and see me again after seven years away. Had I had a few days to prep myself rather than have it just dropped in my lap, maybe I would've been ready for it. But I wasn't, and I reacted in anger and vented it here. In response, he blocked me on Facebook. How do I feel? It's for the best, honestly. I can't move on completely if he tried coming back again. Sometimes I wonder why he called at all, if not just to spite or make me crazy. Maybe he was lonely, maybe he really, really wanted to see me again because he was tired of living out in the middle of nowhere without anyone around. I will never know the answer, because now we aren't in contact at all anymore. Still, I have now released it from me and that's a good thing to do. You can't go through life hanging onto the past, being codependent, and wanting things to change. Like that line in an overblown movie said causing the main character to have his break through "It's not your fault." And now I can go on once and for all, and that's a good thing.
Love, in that same vein, did not happen for me, but I had some hope that maybe it would. It was a good thing to have my first long term boyfriend in five years, but it was not to be. I moved on, he has as well. It wasn't meant to be for whatever reason. But I will gain some knowledge in the fact that I am capable and more deserving of someone better than a burned out loser (which I am not calling this person, not by any means). My mental health went downhill over the end, but I came back as I am better now. Life goes on.
So with that, here's to 2013. May it be drama free, improve things for all of us, and looking to the future with a glimmer of hope. Here's to shiny happy people holding hands (and meaning it, of course).
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