Why I spent the day crying
The phone rang. As I had just talked to Marq a few minutes ago about meeting for the new James Bond movie tonight, I thought it was him. I answered the phone groggily, thinking it would be him again. But it wasn't Marq at all. It was someone else. It was someone from a long time ago. At least, it wasn't all that long ago time wise, but it was someone from something that seems like a past life because things are so different now. It was ten years ago, I was miserable because of him. I was hanging on with bloody fingernails. But not him. He left because he was bored the first time, the second time because my lifestyle was too crazy for him. I didn't invite him to the party, yes I did. I didn't ask him to go look at the dinosaur bones at the Natural History Museum, yes I did. He wasn't invited to a funeral I went to, I said I didn't think it was right to invite him to a funeral for a person he didn't know, and since he wouldn't have come anyway (which he agreed to) I asked what he was complaining about. So he came back, but then a few months later he left again. He broke my heart, not like he cared much. He said he was going to get a new girlfriend and as far as I know didn't budge an inch towards it. He said since he had attracted someone as good as me, now he knew he could do even better. Another stab in the back. Then he moved away in the fall of 05 and I never heard from him again until I found him on Facebook last year sometime. And then I cried for weeks and weeks after he left, and I did it again after I found him. He wrote this message to me when he friended me on Facebook:
After six years, there are too many. And even if I was tempted to try, this isn't the right forum to attempt to say them all. Which leads me to focus on the most important thing I've wanted to say to you.
There will always be a place for you in my heart. You're a wonderful person. Funny. Smart. Powerful. Beautiful. None of us are perfect. Not you. Certainly not I. Hold your head high. Be who you are. You are dervering of love, and you will receive it... Although it will be imperfect. Like us. Like the love we have shared.
I am thankful for the time we had together. I don't regret leaving. But if I had to do it over again, I do hope that I would be kinder and more giving.
And then it occurs to me that Facebook might have sent me a friend invitation without you realizing it by importing your list of e-mail contacts. And I don't really care. I'm still glad to have the chance to tell you how special you were to me.
He hated my friends although he said and does say otherwise. He said because I am angry at the void he created I assume too much. Oh no, I don't. He said he didn't like them once, he probably forgets that too. He sits at home all day and does nothing and that's fine with him. He was in town for a family thing and wondered if I would like to get together that day. I said no, I was busy. I think I was too shocked. What I really wanted to say he must think I'm a doormat. He must think that I'm a complete and utter asshole who lets others just use them back and forth. I think he expected me to catch him up on what I was doing and what everyone else is. But I wasn't about to. He asked how my family and friends were doing, I said they were fine and I was going to see the James Bond movie tonight. He said it was good to hear my voice again and he wished me good luck with my educational pursuits. I said "Yeah."
He said, with laughter in his voice "What do you mean, 'yeah'?" I bet he thought it was funny. I had no other response to this, because if I said the same that would mean that I was happy to hear from him, which I was not. I was not about to say "Yes, come back to me and it will all be better again". I wanted to say "Stay away from me! Go away! Don't ever call me again! Just leave me alone and don't pat me on the head like everyone else does like I'm your pet or something! Go ahead, run away again! Leave me here and I'll just be fine without you, just like everyone else did and when people ask why I'll tell them everything! DO IT!" I'd rather die, that was the old me. That was the old me who was weak and beaten down and helpless and wouldn't do anything to not call attention to ourselves. That was the old me that once had hopes, the new me is burned and bitter and wonders what others are really about rather than the nonsense they feed me.
The old me was 45 lbs heavier, miserable, in physical and mental pain, and crazy. After he left I was sleeping in the closet because I couldn't sleep anywhere else (bed, couch, etc.). I wished I would die. I'm nothing, I'm useless, I'm just a broken down piece of meat. I'm the one who was supposed to make things ok for everybody. I tried to forget about him, I tried to pretend that he never existed and it was all some kind of dream or something I had made up, something from a movie or a TV show I had seen a long time ago and it wasn't real. And now I'm just a broken down piece of meat and I'm alone. I'm alone because I deserve better than the crap I've been dealt? Hell to the no, that's all life is, leftover scraps. And that's all I am. I was hearing voices, when I looked at the pillowcase from EBay that had Morten on it and he spoke to me. He said "Remember me?" I said yes, how could I forget you? He said because I hadn't forgotten, I should get up, because I said one day I was going to meet him. And aren't I going to do that someday? I said "Yes, I am". About a year later, sure enough, I did. And I was 30 lbs thinner too.
SO after all the crying fits of today (fortunately they were behind closed doors and not in front of others), I think I am refreshed. Will he ever call me again? I don't know. I'm just done.
After six years, there are too many. And even if I was tempted to try, this isn't the right forum to attempt to say them all. Which leads me to focus on the most important thing I've wanted to say to you.
There will always be a place for you in my heart. You're a wonderful person. Funny. Smart. Powerful. Beautiful. None of us are perfect. Not you. Certainly not I. Hold your head high. Be who you are. You are dervering of love, and you will receive it... Although it will be imperfect. Like us. Like the love we have shared.
I am thankful for the time we had together. I don't regret leaving. But if I had to do it over again, I do hope that I would be kinder and more giving.
And then it occurs to me that Facebook might have sent me a friend invitation without you realizing it by importing your list of e-mail contacts. And I don't really care. I'm still glad to have the chance to tell you how special you were to me.
He hated my friends although he said and does say otherwise. He said because I am angry at the void he created I assume too much. Oh no, I don't. He said he didn't like them once, he probably forgets that too. He sits at home all day and does nothing and that's fine with him. He was in town for a family thing and wondered if I would like to get together that day. I said no, I was busy. I think I was too shocked. What I really wanted to say he must think I'm a doormat. He must think that I'm a complete and utter asshole who lets others just use them back and forth. I think he expected me to catch him up on what I was doing and what everyone else is. But I wasn't about to. He asked how my family and friends were doing, I said they were fine and I was going to see the James Bond movie tonight. He said it was good to hear my voice again and he wished me good luck with my educational pursuits. I said "Yeah."
He said, with laughter in his voice "What do you mean, 'yeah'?" I bet he thought it was funny. I had no other response to this, because if I said the same that would mean that I was happy to hear from him, which I was not. I was not about to say "Yes, come back to me and it will all be better again". I wanted to say "Stay away from me! Go away! Don't ever call me again! Just leave me alone and don't pat me on the head like everyone else does like I'm your pet or something! Go ahead, run away again! Leave me here and I'll just be fine without you, just like everyone else did and when people ask why I'll tell them everything! DO IT!" I'd rather die, that was the old me. That was the old me who was weak and beaten down and helpless and wouldn't do anything to not call attention to ourselves. That was the old me that once had hopes, the new me is burned and bitter and wonders what others are really about rather than the nonsense they feed me.
The old me was 45 lbs heavier, miserable, in physical and mental pain, and crazy. After he left I was sleeping in the closet because I couldn't sleep anywhere else (bed, couch, etc.). I wished I would die. I'm nothing, I'm useless, I'm just a broken down piece of meat. I'm the one who was supposed to make things ok for everybody. I tried to forget about him, I tried to pretend that he never existed and it was all some kind of dream or something I had made up, something from a movie or a TV show I had seen a long time ago and it wasn't real. And now I'm just a broken down piece of meat and I'm alone. I'm alone because I deserve better than the crap I've been dealt? Hell to the no, that's all life is, leftover scraps. And that's all I am. I was hearing voices, when I looked at the pillowcase from EBay that had Morten on it and he spoke to me. He said "Remember me?" I said yes, how could I forget you? He said because I hadn't forgotten, I should get up, because I said one day I was going to meet him. And aren't I going to do that someday? I said "Yes, I am". About a year later, sure enough, I did. And I was 30 lbs thinner too.
SO after all the crying fits of today (fortunately they were behind closed doors and not in front of others), I think I am refreshed. Will he ever call me again? I don't know. I'm just done.
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