2ndclepunkbuddha

Tonight I went out to dinner and ate a semi lousy meal (that was really due to the foot dragging of the staff, plus the fact that the grilled cheese was something I could've eaten at home), then went to the local Dave & Buster's to play games.  Marq was all stoked about air hockey, and yes he beat me.  Then we played one of those basketball games to get as many shots in the hoop in 30 seconds (I won a few of those games, but I lost track of how many we actually played), and then we played House of the Dead 2 where we didn't win but I scored higher than he did on it.  As we decided to sit at the bar and drink milkshakes, I passed by this man who I was sure I knew somehow.  We may have made eye contact and for a split second, I said to Marq that I saw this man in a stripped sweater back there and he looked so familiar to me.  I looked a few times in that direction thinking that I would see him again, but no such luck.  After a final air hockey game (and y...

As the year comes to a close once again, it's time to take a look back on the year's events and what one has or hasn't learned from the experience.  2012 was a year of ups and downs, to be sure, but then again what year hasn't been for me?  The biggest changes and experiences came in the form of educational pursuits as they have been for the last several years.  As I have documented, I started Practicum at a middle school in a Northeast Ohio suburb (but I won't say where, because I AIN'T CRAZY!), half a day four days a week.  To say that I learned a lot is an understatement.  My mentor is a good woman who I had built up a great trust and working partnership with.  The kids, however, were probably the worst I have ever encountered.  The city kids were better than these assholes.  Some may look at me and say "Oh how can you call them assholes when they are only kids?"  Spend a few hours with them and you'll agree.  I had one kid whose fath...

We have reached the end of classes this semester at CSU.  These last few weeks have been rough ones, no question.  The practicum hassle sent me into a tailspin, my mental health went out of control because of it and that phone call from the past, and I am left wondering what the future will or won't hold for me.  The final on Tuesday is foremost in my mind at this moment, I must blow it out of the water or there will be hell to pay once again.  I think I am feeling a great amount of fear as the appeals meeting comes closer, I don't know what to expect out of it.  The only thing I can say to them is that this experience has caused me to look deep within myself and attempt to learn some things about what exactly is it that I am made of.  I realize a few things, one of which is that I have a very authoritarian streak within me.  What I say has to GO, I am the king of the castle.  Unfortunately others would rather sit on their asses and do nothing and...

Now that the dust has settled from my meltdown the other week, I think I have determined the problem at hand.  That is, I felt like I was abandoned.  The person in question left me (and probably several others) behind when he chose to leave in his moving away.  He chose not to contact me, as he later said, because he felt that he had to move on and he had to make me as well.  I should have made myself, but it lingered for a long time and in many ways still does.  Abandonment is a primal fear that we all have, something that is present within us as infants and never truly goes away.  We fear that someone will leave us alone and we'll have no one to care for us.  As an infant when one is completely helpless and dependant on another to care for us, it is an easy feeling to feel.  When we are adults, we feel that no one understands us and we feel that we have been wronged, such as it is when we are left by a person we love.  Deep within we feel t...

I've been fighting some feelings of depression today, brought on by the last few days' worth of blog outpouring.  Was that possible only a few years ago?  Apparently so.  But I realize it's just a bunch of displaced emotion, sadness which could just as easily shift it's way into anger or anxiety or something else that is otherwise out of control.  I will move on from it, just like I had no choice but to the first time.  Who wants to be with someone who has such poor communication skills anyway?  It's all for the best, reminding oneself is the best medicine.

In light of the most recent blogs, I decided to do a little spying on Facebook once again.  Hey, we all do it, don't we?  And I found that I have not just been unfriended but blocked by the subject of the last few blogs.  I have some thoughts on this, and for some reason I feel the need to share it with the world through this forum. I've moved on.  I was forced to move on thanks to him and his shenanigans (those who were there will know what I am talking about) which drove me to much frustration and tears.  I offended him with my outpouring of rage and using some information.  It came out of me, it was bottled up inside for so long because there was no place for it to go, and it came out.  Perhaps I was asking for trouble when I decided to friend him last year, perhaps I was being mascocistic, but this time, I was not.  Time has softened the blows, time had healed many wounds.  I was wrong, however, to think that he was forgotten about....

Someone read my blog in the recent past.  Of course someone did, it's made for others to read if they would like.  It's certainly not a requirement, but it's there for others to read at their discretion.  He was making a comment about a recent entry that commented on my get together at an eatery with a supposed former FBI agent.  He was rude, vain and self centered, and he left with barely a good-bye uttered.  I think he thought I was crazy, certainly beneath him in terms of intelligence and whatnot.  I have been told that I don't smile enough.  People think that I am cold and unfeeling because of it.  I don't see the point of smiling when you don't need to.  Walk around with a big smile on your face and people think that you're crazy or having a conversation with an imaginary friend.  Nothing is really better than to have a strait face.  I've seen women of all ages who think they can get away with having a bright smile on their fac...