The Distinguished Alumnae Award and the Sounds of Silence
I got a notice in the mail (either snail mail or email, I forget which now) from my high school recently. I usually give all materials, written or electronic, a quick glance here and there. Besides the items that are obviously junk mail or spam, I usually pitch them out. When I get one from my high school, I usually take it upstairs to my apartment and then give it a longer looksee. Typically these small books are about 20 pages long, filled with updates of the goings on of those currently attending my high school. I follow a few of them on Facebook and Instagram, maybe a few other miscellaneous social networks whose fire died down a few years ago. Over dinner I might give a few things a longer read if they peak my interest. This one particular one was of note because a gal who I went to high school with was being awarded the Distinguished Alumnae Award. She was in my class as a matter of fact, and this is quite an achievement.
This is given to the alumnae who achieved something exceptional in their careers and/or within the community at large. They have prestigious lives, or have been recognized to have done so by others. I am unsure of the process in which you have to be recommended to some sort of committee and then be approved of it, I’m sure this is about as spontaneous a decision to be made as would one be purchasing real estate. Once you have been approved, you will join the ranks of all those who have come before you who have done equally great things. I sat back and thought about beginnings ...
It was the fall of 1989, a rather strange moment in the world at the time. The Berlin Wall had officially come down and the Cold War was ending. Irving Berlin, one of the most beloved of composers in all of popular music would die at the ripe old age of 101 (and all the teachers at my high school didn’t stop talking about it for the longest time at my high school, I wonder still why). Tenzin Gyatso, also known as His Holiness, the 14th Dalai Lama, would win the Nobel Prize for Peace, but he was yet to become as trendy as he is now. Paula Abdul would be at the top of her game on the Billboard 100, long before she was in every living room in the 2000s as "the nice one" on American Idol, as would Milli Vanilli on her heels a scant few months later. (What can I say? There is no accounting for taste, but he who is proud of the haircut they had 20 years ago can cast the first stone as well, and it sure as hell is not me. And if you can't laugh at yourself, then you're even stupider than I thought I was, but I digress...). And it was in this time that I would enter high school. I was a socially awkward, fresh faced, rather naive 14 year old, hopeful for the future (show me one who isn't). I went into high school, an all girls' school, with the expectation that all were the creme de la creme of society and we were all going to have prestigious lives when we grew up. That may have been true of others, maybe even the majority of them, but that road had many, many speed bumps before it. My class in particular, however, was probably the most challenged in this navigation. Perhaps some background is necessary, as it would be in any situation ...
The year before I had arrived in the class, there was a very unfortunate event that took place. Granted, I was not there to witness this, I would only hear of it second hand (and even those who were to witness it were reluctant to share all the details of this event), I had nothing to do with it, and I do believe that it happened as its aftershocks were felt hard and continue to be. The 8th grade, of which some members of my high school class were at the time, would take a trip to Columbus, Ohio for a weekend field trip of some sort. All were staying in a hotel, and some were planning to sneak out to a Pizza Hut across the street in the middle of the night for some illicit pizza. Some or a few others tattled to the adults in charge, the adults in charge somehow disciplined those who planned to sneak out, and then a huge blow up occurred between the entire class. It was marked by screaming and crying, anger and sadness. This was not truly over the rat(s) about the Pizza Hut, like most anger is. The class was deeply divided into different cliques and groups, these issues overflowed on that very moment, and after this horrific event of screaming and crying, they made a concerted effort to resolve this by allowing others to sit with them at different opportunities (at lunch, in class, in homeroom, etc.). This did not happen the way they wanted it to. Over time they drifted back into their groups and reformed their bonds in each as they did before, only stronger or more illicit. Unfortunately for them, a mass exodus occurred as direct result of the blowup. Many people would leave for other high schools because they didn't want to continue being around such caddy bitches. Sad. Very sad. Yet understandable, I would have to leave a job years later because of such behavior, but such is life. This max exodus occurred and a few mindless sheep like me came into the place to start the 9th grade. Granted, those who were in the same situation as me didn't know about this incident and had nothing to do with it, but it lingered among those who stayed, and in some ways I think it also seeped into those who had nothing to do with it who later came into the fold.
Everyone once in a while, I look back on those years and wonder exactly what did or did not happen. Why didn't we get on? After years of reflecting, I have reached these conclusions: My high school class was, quite honestly, just plain odd. I am not just saying that, we really, truly were a very odd group of people. As result, we didn't get on very well with each other on a one to one or large group level. There were some exceptions as there are in every situation, and those exceptions were horrific. I had cute nicknames for all of them (The Hippie, EuroTrash, Nice Nancy, Silent Bob, etc.) that I didn't share with others, and they weren't innovative by any means. One observes their black and white photos in my yearbook and immediately identify which was which. I could also go off about The Bitches as well, they were a sarcastic and sadistic lot like all Bitches / Mean Girls are / were. They got on together because they loved one another's feelings of power and control, they did evil onto others because they were sadists who loved doing evil onto others because they were truly evil people. We could go into further depths with them saying that they all fit the classic stereotypes - The Crank, The Twink, The Slut, The Toadie, etc. who are essentially gay men in dresses. They changed roles at times but always ended up falling back into old habits as their "self".
There was another clique that was equally as offensive, just in a different way, the Goths. They dressed like vampires, looking particularly strange because we wore uniforms so they wore their Halloween costumes over their plaid skirts. They put their makeup on with butter knives, wore metallic jewelry that made sounds when they walked, and were loud and obnoxious and rude to all around them. Why? They wanted attention. I had my cute nicknames for them. The one with the fire red hair I called The Vampire Lestat and her minion was Louis. The one who was the loudest of them all? The leader? Well, I didn't need to give her a nickname, I just called her by her first name and that was enough but I won't repeat it here because I AIN'T CRAZY. One day she showed up without wearing makeup and no one recognized her. Fact. Every detail of their lives was public knowledge more or less, the tantrums they threw were horror stories, crying jags, and screaming. DRAMA in all caps. But they liked it that way. They were Mean Girls as well, even though they may have said otherwise. They had their trinity - The Leader was the doer, The Vampire Lestat was the follower who boosted up the orders of the Leader, and Louis was the pretty face / follower who was probably the most decent of the three but since she liked being bad she went along with it all. I found out in later years that Louis's parents did not approve of the friendship between her and The Vampire Lestat, as they thought Lestat was a bad influence. I agreed, she was a discipline problem. There were times that Louis's parents thought they were asleep when they were off in some nightclub partaking in underage drinking and dancing the night away. The Vampire Lestat hated herself and wanted to go to public school because this wasn't the real world, her parents refused because she was so bad to begin with. She ended up going to New York University and hated it because that also wasn't the real world either. New York City isn't real world enough for her? Hmm ... Perhaps she should have moved to Beirut. But I digress ...
And in one of the most ironic twists of fate ever, Louis had a certain boyfriend at one point during my high school years. We'd never meet during that time there, of course. Many years later we would, and he would be the love of my life. We aren't together anymore, it came to a rather tragic end. But that's a whole other story ...
And to round it out, we got two more Goths. They were identical twins, and they were just plain odd. They didn't come into the Goth clique the same way that the Goth trinity did, they just dressed like them. Which one was the stranger of the two? I would have to say the first one. She had this boyfriend that her parents didn't approve of, and apparently she hated him just as much. I asked her why it was that her parents hated him. Her only answer was "Some shit he pulled." I asked "Such as?" And never got a response. After a while, I just stopped asking certain questions and she just complained about him and/or her parents not liking him. I did see her again years later, she asked me if I had ever been to this bar in a city nearby (since closed). I said "A couple times, yes." She said to me "I thought I saw you there once but you were with some people and I didn't feel like saying hello to you or anything." Huh ... Well. I guess that ends that inquiry as to why I didn't have friends in high school. I did see her again once (I was 99% sure it was her), I made sure to not be seen by her and invite more conversation.
We started off with a number when I was in 9th grade, it got progressively smaller and smaller. Excluding The Bitches and Goths, we were a strange group. Everyone had their own things they were into be they typical (ex. sports) to the quirky (ex. Star Trek), but that's not too outlandish, you'll find that everywhere. There were quite a few who after 9th grade was over, left. Why? I don't know. Maybe they were looking for happiness somewhere else. Did they find it? I have no idea. I didn't know them before they left other than some basic factual information, and once they were gone, then that was that. One or two came in for 10th grade, some even for 11th. And a straggler or two even left after 10th and 11th. There was this one gal who came in 9th grade and barely lasted a week. I was in math class with her, that was all I remembered. She was completely forgotten, I don't even remember her first name anymore.
We had people coming and going up until my senior year there, adding only further to the general social awkwardness of the large group. An average classes might have 50-70 people graduating to this day, we barely had 40. The only reason we had 40 was that one decided to finish high school early, so she raised her status from junior to senior. She was one of those Floaters who was rarely seen on campus because they were doing other things (ballet, music classes at conservatories, taking classes at other locations, etc.). This pertained to our not being able to bond with others, the physical distance that was put between us in favor of other ventures. I bare them no ill will, they had decided they were going to do other things which were admirable enough rather than nonsense. Not that I didn't try with others, that freshman year of high school was truly painful but it was also a maturing process for me as well. It was from that moment on that I chose the best thing for me which was to stay in the shadows. Keep to myself, be a mystery. For my protection as well as others. When I would get my first job I would learn that once again and be a completely mysterious person from then on, a blank slate. I will stay in my bubble, in a safe place, no one will be in my business and no one will even care to get into my business. This lead me to believe that others hated me, and I was a socially awkward person (still am in many ways). I think before I speak now, I stay silent. And I'm fine. It doesn't matter if I do or don't like someone or something or they me, it has nothing to do with the price of tea in China. Do people care if I spent the weekend in front of the TV eating snacks or if I went skydiving or if I got fall down, stupid drunk or climbed the Empire State Building naked? Not at all. People can and will forget about you, and if you redirect the conversation to them, they will leave it completely satisfied because they got to talk about themselves rather than find out things about you. Mysterious keeps people at bay and you safe. Don't believe me? Wait until someone rips you to shreds and tells you how much they hate you. Because they will. But I digress...
And the Golden Child who would win this award would go one to become the student body president. She deserved it, she had a bright smile and an engaging manner. She was quite popular and well liked by others, otherwise how would she have become the student body president? She was involved in a lot of other community endeavors outside of high school and continued to be once she got into the working world. Did I like her? Yes, I did. Most everyone did. She just had IT. If people didn't like her then how would she have become what she is now? I was, however, not concerned with others liking me after a certain point. I just learned to not say anything because I was deemed too weird or whatever else to be part of certain groups. I would like to think over the years that I have gotten past this and I am truly who I am and who I need to be, as I would a lot of others. And the ultimate irony is that I sent her a friend request on Facebook and she blocked me. It's what it is. It's hard to accept even today, but some things were just not meant to be, and this group / 1 to 1 relationship was not one of them.
This can and does leave you feeling sad or even jealous at times because it makes you feel that you are/were not good enough. Certainly not. You are exactly who you need to be and you don't need anyone else's approval to be that. The ways of truth and love have always won, and while you may have done some evil (and others as well) onto others, you learned. There have always been tyrants and murders, for a time they can seem invincible, but in the end they always fall. Some never do, and they end up with what? Evil imposed upon them, and the appearance. What matters most is what was truly felt and what was truly earned in life. And if you never earn that award, it's okay to be silent.
I knew that the right thing for me to do was to just vanish, be mysterious and in the shadows, privacy. I didn't go to the prom. I made the decision not to go because I didn't want to spend an evening with these assholes only to have them ridicule me for something I didn't realize I was or was not doing correctly. And I didn't want to offend anyone with my presence. I was just going to not say anything to anyone and move on. A few days before, someone (I forget now who) approached me asking if I wanted to buy a ticket. Since my hand was forced, I said "Oh, no thank you, I'm not going". Looking back I should have either just said "Not today, thank you" or maybe "No thank you". I shouldn't have added that final notice to it because that invited more conversation and inquiry. The person asked why, I said "I'm just not". And walked away. Did anyone else inquire further? If they did, they didn't do it to me. The evil and abuse that were inflicted upon me was over and done with, I kept it all inside.
Don't get me wrong, we had some decent people in my class. I won't go so far as to call them "nice", I will say that they were inoffensive. I would like to think that I was one of them - I didn't bother anyone (or tried not to). Maybe I was a bit too socially awkward then and tried to break the ice with some by forcing a conversation or offering an opinion only to have someone say "None of your business". And I stayed silent. Now, I am completely silent and learned the art of redirection. But that's another story. And I am sad to say now that someone in my class has died already. She was one of the inoffensive people. Apparently she had just given birth to her fourth child, caught some strange infection and died of a heart attack in her early 40s. Of this I was saddened to learn that one of the inoffensive people would be the first to die. I will not lie, I always hoped that one of The Bitches or The Goths would be the first to die, but I think they came to their own painful twists and hurts in life. Maybe it's yet to come for some.
And do I speak today? No, I stay silent. The best is yet to come, I do not go gentle into that good night. You're not too old to dream a new dream or set a new goal, it's not behind you. Some things, as we find out, are best left unsaid. Some things, as we do find out later on, are so horrible or so painful that we can't speak them out loud. I look back upon things and smile. Yes, there were mistakes, some were horrific, and some were out of control. But I am happy. Maybe not everything is where it needed to be in life, but it happened. Those years were just the beginnings, I was just about to get out into the world and live the dreams, experience, explore, move on. And so what if I never got the approval of them?
Why do we remain silent? Sometimes it is about things that are so horrible, so painful and so hard to deal with that we just move on. They are things that are so terrible, you can't even whisper them...
Comments
Post a Comment