2ndclepunkbuddha

Now that the dust has settled from my meltdown the other week, I think I have determined the problem at hand.  That is, I felt like I was abandoned.  The person in question left me (and probably several others) behind when he chose to leave in his moving away.  He chose not to contact me, as he later said, because he felt that he had to move on and he had to make me as well.  I should have made myself, but it lingered for a long time and in many ways still does.  Abandonment is a primal fear that we all have, something that is present within us as infants and never truly goes away.  We fear that someone will leave us alone and we'll have no one to care for us.  As an infant when one is completely helpless and dependant on another to care for us, it is an easy feeling to feel.  When we are adults, we feel that no one understands us and we feel that we have been wronged, such as it is when we are left by a person we love.  Deep within we feel t...

I've been fighting some feelings of depression today, brought on by the last few days' worth of blog outpouring.  Was that possible only a few years ago?  Apparently so.  But I realize it's just a bunch of displaced emotion, sadness which could just as easily shift it's way into anger or anxiety or something else that is otherwise out of control.  I will move on from it, just like I had no choice but to the first time.  Who wants to be with someone who has such poor communication skills anyway?  It's all for the best, reminding oneself is the best medicine.

In light of the most recent blogs, I decided to do a little spying on Facebook once again.  Hey, we all do it, don't we?  And I found that I have not just been unfriended but blocked by the subject of the last few blogs.  I have some thoughts on this, and for some reason I feel the need to share it with the world through this forum. I've moved on.  I was forced to move on thanks to him and his shenanigans (those who were there will know what I am talking about) which drove me to much frustration and tears.  I offended him with my outpouring of rage and using some information.  It came out of me, it was bottled up inside for so long because there was no place for it to go, and it came out.  Perhaps I was asking for trouble when I decided to friend him last year, perhaps I was being mascocistic, but this time, I was not.  Time has softened the blows, time had healed many wounds.  I was wrong, however, to think that he was forgotten about....

Someone read my blog in the recent past.  Of course someone did, it's made for others to read if they would like.  It's certainly not a requirement, but it's there for others to read at their discretion.  He was making a comment about a recent entry that commented on my get together at an eatery with a supposed former FBI agent.  He was rude, vain and self centered, and he left with barely a good-bye uttered.  I think he thought I was crazy, certainly beneath him in terms of intelligence and whatnot.  I have been told that I don't smile enough.  People think that I am cold and unfeeling because of it.  I don't see the point of smiling when you don't need to.  Walk around with a big smile on your face and people think that you're crazy or having a conversation with an imaginary friend.  Nothing is really better than to have a strait face.  I've seen women of all ages who think they can get away with having a bright smile on their fac...

I am feeling better since yesterday's meltdown.  I tried to capture it as best I could in the written word, but sometimes even the best words and descriptions do not do feelings justice.  How can you describe what it's like, pain?  It's something physical for sure, but it's also something within each of us.  It can be triggered by something small, something hidden, something you forgot or tried very hard to forget.  Sometimes I wonder why it is that others think they can be so cruel to others, think it's ok to mess with others' emotions and feelings and it's so not their fault that they do so.  They have their reasons why, they accuse you of being the crazy one who was taking it all so seriously and you are irrational and hysterical.  Meh, I guess it's all relative.  What the best thing is is to just let it be.  Just hope against hope that I can keep going on without so much as another blip on the radar.  It was a big blip, but that's ...

The phone rang.  As I had just talked to Marq a few minutes ago about meeting for the new James Bond movie tonight, I thought it was him.  I answered the phone groggily, thinking it would be him again.  But it wasn't Marq at all.  It was someone else.  It was someone from a long time ago.  At least, it wasn't all that long ago time wise, but it was someone from something that seems like a past life because things are so different now.  It was ten years ago, I was miserable because of him.  I was hanging on with bloody fingernails.  But not him.  He left because he was bored the first time, the second time because my lifestyle was too crazy for him.  I didn't invite him to the party, yes I did.  I didn't ask him to go look at the dinosaur bones at the Natural History Museum, yes I did.  He wasn't invited to a funeral I went to, I said I didn't think it was right to invite him to a funeral for a person he didn't know, a...

Last Friday night, I went out on an Internet date with someone.  Yeah, I know, it's always a tremendous risk and those who attempt to meet others on the Internet have some beyond hilarious stories about what did/didn't happen.  If I decided to write a book on it (and I would not be the first nor the last), I would have quite a tale to tell.  But every once in a while, one combats the feelings of loneliness and attempts to reach out from their sphere of existence and attempt something new.  If there was a better means of communication in the world today, it would not exist.  Ha ha ha ...  So this man sounded decent enough.  He opened his first few emails with saying that he would be traveling to Australia in the next few weeks and asked if I wanted to come.  Semi cheesy pick up line in case you are a bit dense, but I responded in positive to it.  Divorced, two children who play in soccer tournaments, two years older than me.  Sure, I can ...