2013 Year in Review
As another year comes to a close, it's time to once again wax poetic and look back on what we have experienced and learned. It was a difficult year, like the last few years have been for all of us. I learned a lot, I had some wonderfully happy moments and my share of horrible moments, it was not as bad nor as good as some have been, and yet it certainly hasn't been boring. Made some wonderful new friends, had a few new experiences, and discovered much about the world and within myself. Certainly more than most people get to do with themselves, but most people aren't committed to such experiences in life.
The literal education experience continues for me. After having been kicked out of the redneck middle school at the end of last year, had to petition with CSU to put me, once again, into Practicum. As I am now familiar with the process and how it goes, when this happens (and I am not the first by any means) the higher institution that is wanting to provide you with the degree likes to put you in a situation that is even worse than where you came from in order to scare you away. Hence, I was placed in a charter school in the city on the edge of Slavic Village that is a rather notorious war zone in our city. The purpose of this is not to make you a better educator by any means. This is designed to scare white suburbanites from ever going to such locations again (not that we weren't made to think that to begin with by urban angst and paranoia), and further grinding into women that we are to just quit our stupid jobs and become a Mommy as soon as possible in order to avoid such problems in life and let some man dead with it. If you happen to be a man, your actions are excused because when you roared like a lion, "boys will be boys". Unfortunately for the higher powers, I was well versed in the hood and go in fearless wherever I am to be, as well as dealing with the weak and helpless when it comes to relying on someone to make a decision or take command. It was a wonderful experience to be with these kids because of the fact that they are disciplined and well mannered thanks to the philosophy of these charters. Unlike most, the place is run like a prison. What I (as the adult in charge) says GOES. I am the KING OF THE CASTLE, and most if not all of the students within literally walk the black taped line on the floor. When the kid steps out of line in any way, the problem is nipped in the bud and immediately taken care of. I did not pass at proficient, which disappointed me quite a bit. I wish that the institutions responsible for educating teachers would take more time out to teach how to manage a class verses the higher ended materials and things that they choose to. Even the best of the best students of any age will misbehave in some way and when you don't know what to do with them, their end result grade isn't an accurate reflection of what it's like to be around them. Time management is always important, and sometimes it gets away from us. After having the experiences with the dramas that only 7th graders seem to generate, the constant jumping through hoops, the ridicule that one has to face from being pulled and plucked and picked apart like a Thanksgiving turkey, and having seen that the adult staff at all institutions act like they are in the 7th grade as well, I have decided that the best option for me at this point is to be with adult learners in the immediate future. (More on that later)
If not for the economy, immigration would be the number one topic on the news. We as a nation are seeing a major population growth and cultural shift in metropolis areas,small towns and rural communities. Without going into the complexities of the economic, social and political changes we are seeing in terms of jobs, ethnicity, economic pros/cons, crime, or voting behaviors (just to name a few), a new world is unfolding before us. In terms of jobs and education for me, I have seen that the best areas to get into in the education world are that of the ESL or Special Education. As I am not a Special Education teacher by nature, and as I have had my most positive experiences with ESL work, I have decided this is where my passions are truly needed and can be used for something good. I have reached the point in my life where I no longer believe that people are good at their hearts and that the grass is always greener on the other side, because it's simply not the case anymore. The last few years have been crazy, no doubt about it, but we have learned to take joy in the places where we can find them, and this is a place where I feel that, for the time being, I will find some sort of happiness and satisfaction. As of this writing, I have found several volunteer opportunities around the city to add to my resume and hone my skills in both ESL work as well as tutoring adults to get their GEDs. While it's difficult work on many fronts, I can say that I am happy doing it and that's also what matters.
If there is one thing that I can and will hammer home to all that I encounter who may or are thinking of going down this path that I have been on for the last few years, as to all successful relationships, is that "communication is the key to success". One thing that continuously frustrates me is to see the lack of communication in the world and how badly it has affected things around us. In the education process (literal and figurative), it is not affective to avoid, pretend you don't know what the other party is talking about, or say that you don't want to hear it. That only leads to bad. And there has been a whole lot of bad in the world because of this. If there is one thing I can communicate to others out there who may be going down the teacher education path, it's that you have to learn how to manage your roomful of students. All the high ended education theory is fine, it doesn't matter if you have the best of the best honors students verses a roomful of prisoners serving life sentences, if you can't manage your room you are in trouble. This takes presidence over all other things.
Artistic endeavours have also taken over in the past year, perhaps more now than in recent years. Very pleased to say that I will be having a show at the January art walk at Doubting Thomas (the Justice League project of heroes and villains) which I have been working on for the last few months. It's been a great mystery to many as to how and why the creative process works, and there are no true answers. You cannot simply decide that one day you are going to write or paint a masterpiece. There are dry spells, some of them lasting for years on end, and then one day when the muse decides to speak to you it just does. And it flows from you like water and you must yield to it when it strikes you as such, be it words or a medium. During his lifetime, Michealangelo was asked how he made such masterpieces from marble and with his paintbrush. He said "I don't make it, I see it. Put the slab of marble before me and I see David within it, and I just trim away the excess." There are no true answers to how and why, but as I have been privileged to have been surrounded by many a creative soul in my adult life, I decided, for the first time, to take my creative energies in a new direction, which is into the world of acting. Having been a board member at Convergence-Continuum and working my ass off behind the scenes for so long, I now want to be center stage. A classic example of seeing someone do something and saying "I want to do that too!" and jumping into it. My last acting credit was as Nun #4 in the 7th grade Sound of Music production (and yes, you can laugh at me for it), but you can never be too old or it be too late to go in a new direction. While Con-Con may not open its doors to my being center stage, I am extending it to other theaters around the city at this time. Maybe one of them will let me in soon. At the moment, I have an audition coming up for one where I might play a corporate vice president vamp or a country club waitress. We'll see what we see.
I would also like to extend a heart felt thank you to the greatest person I would meet this year, a self described writer, researcher, dreamer, creative coordinator, reality maker, marketer, PR promoter, & whatever else needs to be doner, CAP. She's also a Duranie, and we would meet on Facebook a few weeks before the Duran Duran fan convention in Chicago and was nice enough to invite me into the Party Room. She has published a poetry book or two, traveled many a place, and even got John Taylor to sign a copy of his book. The greatest gift she gave me was her inspiration, the knowing and seeing someone in the process of achieving a dream. I know that I too can do whatever it is if I throw my weight behind it and put my mind to it. Believe with all your heart that it too can happen to you (whatever it may be), and go get it.
There were downsides to this year, as there always have been. For a brief period I thought I was going to go back to the health care industry. I am sure I don't have to inform everyone of the hilariousness of having to get on that busted website to try to get health insurance, watching everyone and anyone possible go broke left, right and sideways, as well as that government shutdown. Those are high ended debate topics and not without merit, but what is really happening is that we are living in an age of paranoia, anal retentive political correctness and all out combat in the workplace. Having once again been taken in, then booted out thanks to bad chemistry and my own botching of things, I have learned this : tell on everyone left, right and sideways. Otherwise I will end up on the street like I did before. At one of the assignments, I asked if there was any more coffee one morning since the can was empty yesterday. The employee, who looked like a shaved gorilla if I ever saw one, said "It's at the fucking grocery store!" In front of the office manager, I might add, and had all of those who witnessed said altercation laugh. I was called on the carpet for it, but I didn't tell on her for it. The last few years have taught me that there are two kinds of people in the world, and two alone : Those who can do and say anything they want and get away with it, and those who can't. I am in the Can't category (why, I cannot figure out still). As one in the Can't category, the only weapon I have is to tell on others if and when they commit such infractions. I didn't at that moment, and the reason I didn't is because this woman is in the Can category. Bitter and cynical? Yes, it is. I wish I could say otherwise, but there must be people in the world who have not had such experiences as I have and who have had very successful careers in fields that they really, really loved. But that was the greatest lesson I took from that horror story, as well as to never EVER let a golden opportunity to get someone disciplined a.k.a. fired for saying "fuck you" to me.
Love did not happen, like it didn't happen for the last few years. There have been flash points here and there, it's been rough. I have figured out several things now that I have been in the game for as long as I have. First, since I am smarter than 99% of the dudes out there, I have to acknowledge the fact that I am right all the time but bend when I am to bend to their demand. Many do not want to learn the art of compromise, and compromise is vital tool to get by in life with. I don't get it - do what they want and you're accused of being a bitch, defy them and they tell you you're crazy. I have given up on a lot of things in life, especially this area, and it lingers within. Most of the time I get pats on the head, but as I am consistently unhappy and becoming more and more bitter as each comes to an end, I have started to become more angry. Some have told me I need to leave Ohio, but I fail to see how my changing geography is going to change things for the better. I even asked some of them who told me just that "Where do you suggest I go, then?" They have no answers. Typical. Many who have left find that they hate living in their new city even more. You have a cultural difference with your new peers, and in case anyone has never said it's hard to build a network of friends and acquaintance wherever you go. Those who say this need to change their attitudes about things, truly, or they just might feel differently if they didn't have that life partner to be with either. Better men in other states? I fail to see how, as many have been just as emotionally abusive as the next guy. Many say they are hopeless romantics and they are looking for perfect. Not true. They want trash and dramatics and temper tantrums, and to an extent play their Mommy to them. Quite honestly, you will get more drama within a long term relationship than you will a short term one (with only a few exceptions here and there). Still, here I remain. It's begun to shift in the past few years, and it shifts far quicker than you think it will. Since I am/was the baby of the group, I was Lolita with perverted, dirty old men after me when I first came into the scene. And now, as it's been sixteen years since I first darkened the doorstep, it has shifted again and find myself turning into a cougar (or Lolita's mother, Charlotte, who is, after all, Lolita grown up). If there is one answer, it came from an old WVFI friend of mine when we reconnected a few years ago. Sometimes you hear things from other sources but for some reason it doesn't sink in. It's that saying "When the student is ready, the master appears" as it applies to this situation. It gets more difficult, but it also causes revolution in the mind. Get someone who deserves you. And there are so many out there who don't, so many more than you ever thought possible. Besides, remember if you had ended up with that obnoxious one from the past, you wouldn't get to have all those others since. Do I want to be SJP or Samantha with all those young boys locked in her basement? I honestly don't know anymore. But I do know I don't always want to dress like SJP, just because it's expensive or haute couture doesn't mean it's the best of the best.
Despite how bitter I have become in the last few years, I cling to a weak hope within me that somehow, someday things will turn around personally, financially and careerwise. I know this because, oddly enough, from a triva game night I went to a few years ago on a whim through MeetUp.com. When I walked in, I met someone there. He and I became instant friends despite our obvious differences. Why? Well, it was just something that was meant to be, I guess. This gives me a slight glimmer of hope that somehow, someday it CAN happen for all of us, including me. Just have to find someone who deserves it and sift my way through all of those who don't, of which there seem to be aplenty.
So as we move on towards the next year, I remember that it's all the more rough out there, and I find myself getting a little more bitter with each passing year thanks to all these hilarious experiences, all one can do is try. Loosing hope is hard, but I otherwise have no choice but to keep on going with everyone has their own stupid reasons why they have to hold you back. Keep calm and carry on. That's all you can do.
The literal education experience continues for me. After having been kicked out of the redneck middle school at the end of last year, had to petition with CSU to put me, once again, into Practicum. As I am now familiar with the process and how it goes, when this happens (and I am not the first by any means) the higher institution that is wanting to provide you with the degree likes to put you in a situation that is even worse than where you came from in order to scare you away. Hence, I was placed in a charter school in the city on the edge of Slavic Village that is a rather notorious war zone in our city. The purpose of this is not to make you a better educator by any means. This is designed to scare white suburbanites from ever going to such locations again (not that we weren't made to think that to begin with by urban angst and paranoia), and further grinding into women that we are to just quit our stupid jobs and become a Mommy as soon as possible in order to avoid such problems in life and let some man dead with it. If you happen to be a man, your actions are excused because when you roared like a lion, "boys will be boys". Unfortunately for the higher powers, I was well versed in the hood and go in fearless wherever I am to be, as well as dealing with the weak and helpless when it comes to relying on someone to make a decision or take command. It was a wonderful experience to be with these kids because of the fact that they are disciplined and well mannered thanks to the philosophy of these charters. Unlike most, the place is run like a prison. What I (as the adult in charge) says GOES. I am the KING OF THE CASTLE, and most if not all of the students within literally walk the black taped line on the floor. When the kid steps out of line in any way, the problem is nipped in the bud and immediately taken care of. I did not pass at proficient, which disappointed me quite a bit. I wish that the institutions responsible for educating teachers would take more time out to teach how to manage a class verses the higher ended materials and things that they choose to. Even the best of the best students of any age will misbehave in some way and when you don't know what to do with them, their end result grade isn't an accurate reflection of what it's like to be around them. Time management is always important, and sometimes it gets away from us. After having the experiences with the dramas that only 7th graders seem to generate, the constant jumping through hoops, the ridicule that one has to face from being pulled and plucked and picked apart like a Thanksgiving turkey, and having seen that the adult staff at all institutions act like they are in the 7th grade as well, I have decided that the best option for me at this point is to be with adult learners in the immediate future. (More on that later)
If not for the economy, immigration would be the number one topic on the news. We as a nation are seeing a major population growth and cultural shift in metropolis areas,small towns and rural communities. Without going into the complexities of the economic, social and political changes we are seeing in terms of jobs, ethnicity, economic pros/cons, crime, or voting behaviors (just to name a few), a new world is unfolding before us. In terms of jobs and education for me, I have seen that the best areas to get into in the education world are that of the ESL or Special Education. As I am not a Special Education teacher by nature, and as I have had my most positive experiences with ESL work, I have decided this is where my passions are truly needed and can be used for something good. I have reached the point in my life where I no longer believe that people are good at their hearts and that the grass is always greener on the other side, because it's simply not the case anymore. The last few years have been crazy, no doubt about it, but we have learned to take joy in the places where we can find them, and this is a place where I feel that, for the time being, I will find some sort of happiness and satisfaction. As of this writing, I have found several volunteer opportunities around the city to add to my resume and hone my skills in both ESL work as well as tutoring adults to get their GEDs. While it's difficult work on many fronts, I can say that I am happy doing it and that's also what matters.
If there is one thing that I can and will hammer home to all that I encounter who may or are thinking of going down this path that I have been on for the last few years, as to all successful relationships, is that "communication is the key to success". One thing that continuously frustrates me is to see the lack of communication in the world and how badly it has affected things around us. In the education process (literal and figurative), it is not affective to avoid, pretend you don't know what the other party is talking about, or say that you don't want to hear it. That only leads to bad. And there has been a whole lot of bad in the world because of this. If there is one thing I can communicate to others out there who may be going down the teacher education path, it's that you have to learn how to manage your roomful of students. All the high ended education theory is fine, it doesn't matter if you have the best of the best honors students verses a roomful of prisoners serving life sentences, if you can't manage your room you are in trouble. This takes presidence over all other things.
Artistic endeavours have also taken over in the past year, perhaps more now than in recent years. Very pleased to say that I will be having a show at the January art walk at Doubting Thomas (the Justice League project of heroes and villains) which I have been working on for the last few months. It's been a great mystery to many as to how and why the creative process works, and there are no true answers. You cannot simply decide that one day you are going to write or paint a masterpiece. There are dry spells, some of them lasting for years on end, and then one day when the muse decides to speak to you it just does. And it flows from you like water and you must yield to it when it strikes you as such, be it words or a medium. During his lifetime, Michealangelo was asked how he made such masterpieces from marble and with his paintbrush. He said "I don't make it, I see it. Put the slab of marble before me and I see David within it, and I just trim away the excess." There are no true answers to how and why, but as I have been privileged to have been surrounded by many a creative soul in my adult life, I decided, for the first time, to take my creative energies in a new direction, which is into the world of acting. Having been a board member at Convergence-Continuum and working my ass off behind the scenes for so long, I now want to be center stage. A classic example of seeing someone do something and saying "I want to do that too!" and jumping into it. My last acting credit was as Nun #4 in the 7th grade Sound of Music production (and yes, you can laugh at me for it), but you can never be too old or it be too late to go in a new direction. While Con-Con may not open its doors to my being center stage, I am extending it to other theaters around the city at this time. Maybe one of them will let me in soon. At the moment, I have an audition coming up for one where I might play a corporate vice president vamp or a country club waitress. We'll see what we see.
I would also like to extend a heart felt thank you to the greatest person I would meet this year, a self described writer, researcher, dreamer, creative coordinator, reality maker, marketer, PR promoter, & whatever else needs to be doner, CAP. She's also a Duranie, and we would meet on Facebook a few weeks before the Duran Duran fan convention in Chicago and was nice enough to invite me into the Party Room. She has published a poetry book or two, traveled many a place, and even got John Taylor to sign a copy of his book. The greatest gift she gave me was her inspiration, the knowing and seeing someone in the process of achieving a dream. I know that I too can do whatever it is if I throw my weight behind it and put my mind to it. Believe with all your heart that it too can happen to you (whatever it may be), and go get it.
There were downsides to this year, as there always have been. For a brief period I thought I was going to go back to the health care industry. I am sure I don't have to inform everyone of the hilariousness of having to get on that busted website to try to get health insurance, watching everyone and anyone possible go broke left, right and sideways, as well as that government shutdown. Those are high ended debate topics and not without merit, but what is really happening is that we are living in an age of paranoia, anal retentive political correctness and all out combat in the workplace. Having once again been taken in, then booted out thanks to bad chemistry and my own botching of things, I have learned this : tell on everyone left, right and sideways. Otherwise I will end up on the street like I did before. At one of the assignments, I asked if there was any more coffee one morning since the can was empty yesterday. The employee, who looked like a shaved gorilla if I ever saw one, said "It's at the fucking grocery store!" In front of the office manager, I might add, and had all of those who witnessed said altercation laugh. I was called on the carpet for it, but I didn't tell on her for it. The last few years have taught me that there are two kinds of people in the world, and two alone : Those who can do and say anything they want and get away with it, and those who can't. I am in the Can't category (why, I cannot figure out still). As one in the Can't category, the only weapon I have is to tell on others if and when they commit such infractions. I didn't at that moment, and the reason I didn't is because this woman is in the Can category. Bitter and cynical? Yes, it is. I wish I could say otherwise, but there must be people in the world who have not had such experiences as I have and who have had very successful careers in fields that they really, really loved. But that was the greatest lesson I took from that horror story, as well as to never EVER let a golden opportunity to get someone disciplined a.k.a. fired for saying "fuck you" to me.
Love did not happen, like it didn't happen for the last few years. There have been flash points here and there, it's been rough. I have figured out several things now that I have been in the game for as long as I have. First, since I am smarter than 99% of the dudes out there, I have to acknowledge the fact that I am right all the time but bend when I am to bend to their demand. Many do not want to learn the art of compromise, and compromise is vital tool to get by in life with. I don't get it - do what they want and you're accused of being a bitch, defy them and they tell you you're crazy. I have given up on a lot of things in life, especially this area, and it lingers within. Most of the time I get pats on the head, but as I am consistently unhappy and becoming more and more bitter as each comes to an end, I have started to become more angry. Some have told me I need to leave Ohio, but I fail to see how my changing geography is going to change things for the better. I even asked some of them who told me just that "Where do you suggest I go, then?" They have no answers. Typical. Many who have left find that they hate living in their new city even more. You have a cultural difference with your new peers, and in case anyone has never said it's hard to build a network of friends and acquaintance wherever you go. Those who say this need to change their attitudes about things, truly, or they just might feel differently if they didn't have that life partner to be with either. Better men in other states? I fail to see how, as many have been just as emotionally abusive as the next guy. Many say they are hopeless romantics and they are looking for perfect. Not true. They want trash and dramatics and temper tantrums, and to an extent play their Mommy to them. Quite honestly, you will get more drama within a long term relationship than you will a short term one (with only a few exceptions here and there). Still, here I remain. It's begun to shift in the past few years, and it shifts far quicker than you think it will. Since I am/was the baby of the group, I was Lolita with perverted, dirty old men after me when I first came into the scene. And now, as it's been sixteen years since I first darkened the doorstep, it has shifted again and find myself turning into a cougar (or Lolita's mother, Charlotte, who is, after all, Lolita grown up). If there is one answer, it came from an old WVFI friend of mine when we reconnected a few years ago. Sometimes you hear things from other sources but for some reason it doesn't sink in. It's that saying "When the student is ready, the master appears" as it applies to this situation. It gets more difficult, but it also causes revolution in the mind. Get someone who deserves you. And there are so many out there who don't, so many more than you ever thought possible. Besides, remember if you had ended up with that obnoxious one from the past, you wouldn't get to have all those others since. Do I want to be SJP or Samantha with all those young boys locked in her basement? I honestly don't know anymore. But I do know I don't always want to dress like SJP, just because it's expensive or haute couture doesn't mean it's the best of the best.
Despite how bitter I have become in the last few years, I cling to a weak hope within me that somehow, someday things will turn around personally, financially and careerwise. I know this because, oddly enough, from a triva game night I went to a few years ago on a whim through MeetUp.com. When I walked in, I met someone there. He and I became instant friends despite our obvious differences. Why? Well, it was just something that was meant to be, I guess. This gives me a slight glimmer of hope that somehow, someday it CAN happen for all of us, including me. Just have to find someone who deserves it and sift my way through all of those who don't, of which there seem to be aplenty.
So as we move on towards the next year, I remember that it's all the more rough out there, and I find myself getting a little more bitter with each passing year thanks to all these hilarious experiences, all one can do is try. Loosing hope is hard, but I otherwise have no choice but to keep on going with everyone has their own stupid reasons why they have to hold you back. Keep calm and carry on. That's all you can do.
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