For someone from the past
This week I found out that someone from my past died in February of this year. I said I wasn't going to acknowledge it, but, like we all know, life is complicated. It makes you think of other things and what you should and should not do, the mistakes we all make, and decisions for the better or for the worse. Out of respect for her family (if she had any friends I would respect them as well, but she didn't seem to have any) I will not mention even her first name, as they may not have been aware of certain things she was or was not doing. Still, I think there are some things that need to be said for everyone out there and have to come out of me about this. I will call her Jane.
Jane and I went to high school together, she was two years ahead of me. We didn't know each other during the time we were in high school, she and I reconnected a few years after when she called begging for money to give to the institution. For some reason, we connected on that phone call and a relationship developed. Why? The world's full of lonely people. While I have had a rocky time in life like all others, I think hers was going on a downward spiral. Hers did not start until about twenty years ago when she was in her early/mid twenties. She had a quickie marriage to an abusive man after the two had known each other for barely six weeks. She went through her own personal hell in a divorce, looking back I wonder if that's what broke her. Because something inside of her was just broken, and it wasn't going to get fixed. Not by love, not be friendship, and not by anything else.
She tried to do better. One of the ways she tried to do better was to relocate to northern California where she was attending a university to earn a PhD. It was not the first time she had been to California, she actually went to California a few times to meet guys to go on online dates. No really. She would connect with someone on dating websites, then fly out to spend a weekend with them. Maybe she lied to them and said she was going to be there for another business or personal reason. When she went, whatever happened happened, then she would ask them at the end of this weekend if they were coming to see her. And they would say no, which was reasonable of them to say so. Why would one go cross country to meet someone they met online? (And that sounds ridiculous coming from me who has been in a few long distance relationships, who also went sight unseen to California for a fan club meeting with strangers in the summer of 2003, and traveled overseas to see bands, but all of that was a different set of circumstances.) It made her depressed. A lot of things made her depressed, there was no cure for it. Unfortunately she never did learn how to adjust to loneliness or facing the fact that there will be many times you will be alone in life.
Things went from bad to worse while she was living there. She started hitting the bottle when she didn't before. She started using other substances. She went deeper and deeper into mental illness. While she said she was under the care of a shrink she did nothing to getting better that had to come on her part. I felt a pity for her, but, like we have all experienced, addicts tend not to be good friends. And she was not a good friend despite my wanting to help (even from a distance). I said the easiest way for us to keep up with one another was for her to friend me on Facebook. But she refused, when I asked why she said it would keep her from meeting men, which was her primary goal in life. If that wasn't enough, she told me about times that she would go out on dates with someone, and they'd probably get fall down, stupid drunk, and he'd beat her up and throw her out. One of those stints landed her in jail for drunk and disorderly. After that, I washed my hands of her. I felt bad about it but she was going down a path I could not follow and there was nothing I could have done or said to help her.
After a few years of living in California, one day she reappeared in Ohio. I asked what brought her back when she called me one day about seven or eight years ago. She said she answered an ad on Craig's List for a roommate and moved in with this guy. She was there for a few days and then something happened between her and this guy, he beats her up and throws her out. In her words, she was on the street for a few days, then gets a hold of her father who lives here, and he flew her back with nothing but the clothes on her back. She literally lost everything, and now she wanted me to be her friend again. I refused, I no longer wished to have contact with her and I didn't want anyone around me to get hurt. Last I heard she was receiving treatment and she was not at all stable. In February of this year, she died of a pulmonary embolism at age 46.
I feel sad about this because she was not able to fix her problems, but I know that I did the right thing by cutting her off. Mental illness can and does exist, all of us have had our own issues with it, but we must take into account that we have to get ourselves better as well and not drive ourselves crazy. Addiction can certainly fall under the umbrella of mental illness as well, but you reach a point where you have to let it go as the outsider. She needed professional help and I was not the one who could have given it to her. Barely 4% of people get out of addiction, she was not one of them.
So rest in peace, Jane. What's broken inside of you is no longer.
Jane and I went to high school together, she was two years ahead of me. We didn't know each other during the time we were in high school, she and I reconnected a few years after when she called begging for money to give to the institution. For some reason, we connected on that phone call and a relationship developed. Why? The world's full of lonely people. While I have had a rocky time in life like all others, I think hers was going on a downward spiral. Hers did not start until about twenty years ago when she was in her early/mid twenties. She had a quickie marriage to an abusive man after the two had known each other for barely six weeks. She went through her own personal hell in a divorce, looking back I wonder if that's what broke her. Because something inside of her was just broken, and it wasn't going to get fixed. Not by love, not be friendship, and not by anything else.
She tried to do better. One of the ways she tried to do better was to relocate to northern California where she was attending a university to earn a PhD. It was not the first time she had been to California, she actually went to California a few times to meet guys to go on online dates. No really. She would connect with someone on dating websites, then fly out to spend a weekend with them. Maybe she lied to them and said she was going to be there for another business or personal reason. When she went, whatever happened happened, then she would ask them at the end of this weekend if they were coming to see her. And they would say no, which was reasonable of them to say so. Why would one go cross country to meet someone they met online? (And that sounds ridiculous coming from me who has been in a few long distance relationships, who also went sight unseen to California for a fan club meeting with strangers in the summer of 2003, and traveled overseas to see bands, but all of that was a different set of circumstances.) It made her depressed. A lot of things made her depressed, there was no cure for it. Unfortunately she never did learn how to adjust to loneliness or facing the fact that there will be many times you will be alone in life.
Things went from bad to worse while she was living there. She started hitting the bottle when she didn't before. She started using other substances. She went deeper and deeper into mental illness. While she said she was under the care of a shrink she did nothing to getting better that had to come on her part. I felt a pity for her, but, like we have all experienced, addicts tend not to be good friends. And she was not a good friend despite my wanting to help (even from a distance). I said the easiest way for us to keep up with one another was for her to friend me on Facebook. But she refused, when I asked why she said it would keep her from meeting men, which was her primary goal in life. If that wasn't enough, she told me about times that she would go out on dates with someone, and they'd probably get fall down, stupid drunk, and he'd beat her up and throw her out. One of those stints landed her in jail for drunk and disorderly. After that, I washed my hands of her. I felt bad about it but she was going down a path I could not follow and there was nothing I could have done or said to help her.
After a few years of living in California, one day she reappeared in Ohio. I asked what brought her back when she called me one day about seven or eight years ago. She said she answered an ad on Craig's List for a roommate and moved in with this guy. She was there for a few days and then something happened between her and this guy, he beats her up and throws her out. In her words, she was on the street for a few days, then gets a hold of her father who lives here, and he flew her back with nothing but the clothes on her back. She literally lost everything, and now she wanted me to be her friend again. I refused, I no longer wished to have contact with her and I didn't want anyone around me to get hurt. Last I heard she was receiving treatment and she was not at all stable. In February of this year, she died of a pulmonary embolism at age 46.
I feel sad about this because she was not able to fix her problems, but I know that I did the right thing by cutting her off. Mental illness can and does exist, all of us have had our own issues with it, but we must take into account that we have to get ourselves better as well and not drive ourselves crazy. Addiction can certainly fall under the umbrella of mental illness as well, but you reach a point where you have to let it go as the outsider. She needed professional help and I was not the one who could have given it to her. Barely 4% of people get out of addiction, she was not one of them.
So rest in peace, Jane. What's broken inside of you is no longer.
Comments
Post a Comment