My inner Daniel Craig at a funeral
Last weekend I went to a funeral in Detroit. It was for my childhood friend's father, a kind man and a wonderful soul I was privileged to know, and it was of great sadness that I heard of his passing. I insisted on going to the funeral even though it was a ways to travel, but I believe in this principal and follow through on it completely: When people die, you go to their funerals. It says to you and others around you that you are there to pay your last respects to that person and that you cared for that person no matter what did or did not happen.
But this blog is not about my friend's father, it was about another situation that presented itself at the event. I was nearly sickened to see that someone else showed up at this man's funeral when I saw him across the room. I quickly looked away and did not make eye contact. I didn't want to be near him. I have no idea if he saw me at all, and if he did he would probably play the avoiding game if he did. I expected to see him again. But I didn't say anything, because a person's funeral (like a wedding) is not where one does or says something to make it about them, it's about the person in question. I quickly channeled my inner Daniel Craig - cold, lifeless, never cracking a smile, dark. I had already made sure to check my appearance in the bathroom mirror before I made myself completely known. Not one hair out of place, my suit didn't have a speck of lint on it, my blouse was ironed as flat as a board without a single wrinkle and the collar was not folded under. I adjusted my cuffs, head held high and my posture strait up and down. I would not look at all meek, I would not look at all under distress, I would be perfectly at ease from afar, stiff as a board, hard as a rock.
I'd read and put myself through many training sessions on this topic in the past, on how not to be weak and frail. I have followed through with them - Find motivation or goal (a burning desire for something to happen or to achieve something), balancing and outweighing negative thinking with positive thinking, being compassionate to others also in pain or suffering (being a hero, rescuing people from dire situation, etc.), keeping an eye on the final goal while making a plan of one step at a time, accept responsibility for the things I can't control and accept the things I can control, not taking everything personally (it's not all about me, nothing is really "all about me"), not confusing want with need, not succumbing to self pity, see the past as valuable lessons, taking up physical discipline, balancing emotions with logic. And I have done that. I've done some other things to shape my public image to make myself dark and mysterious to others : spend a lot of time alone, be verbally silent and not get involved with others' problems or concerns, wear non-descript clothes, speak clearly when one needs to speak, not reveal much about my personal life or past, be unpredictable, have talents that set me apart which I keep to myself, maintain a polite tone of voice, look people in the eye when we speak, be stoic, have charisma (show that you feel good about yourself on the inside by holding yourself upright and never be weak), While I may not have the powers of a super hero, I know deep within I am a meta human like one of them. If there was one man who I wish I was half of, it's Daniel Craig as James Bond - dark, brooding, able to withstand anything, whose animal magnetism can attract any woman he wishes. And I am all of those things. I've become those things. All thanks to the horror that this man at the funeral put me through.
A psychic friend of mine looked at his photograph once that I showed him. This friend has a certain ability that he is able to read people by looking at them, which I envy, but he was either born with it or acquired it over time thanks to life experiences. When I showed him this man's image, he said the ultimate phrase I wish I was able to see when I met him for the first time : "He looks like he feels guilty about something. He's a religious man, isn't he?" And the psychic friend was right, I confirmed. Guilt ridden over things he could not control, be it his own failed vegetarian diet, or feeling guilty over drinking too many caffeinated beverages because caffeine is a drug, This "relationship" (if you want to call it that) drove me to places I had never been before, constantly reassuring a high maintenance person is exhausting work. When this God fearing man whose main mission in life was to be a good example to young people and to be what God wanted of men on Earth ended it by writing an email (nowadays it would be by a text message), once I had been through the initial anger and disappointment, I reemerged from the other side a new person. Cowardice would never be attached to my name, I would be brave, impervious to pain and suffering, diabolical in my wants and needs. Not necessarily evil, just cold and unfeeling, and get the things that I want by working as hard as possible towards that goal rather than sit and wait for God to give or take.
I was forced to give him a glance here and there, and make sure that my physical place in the room was far enough away at all times that we would not be near each other. He was older and fatter and his hairline had receded. I would expect that after nearly twenty years. He also brought his wife with him. I was pleased that compared to me her ass was as broad as a barn's, couldn't resist a bit of a dig here and there. He probably feels guilty he's married to her no matter what her personality is or is not. The only moments of true apprehension I experienced was when it was time for the communion portion of the funeral mass and people were filing out of the rows of seats. Please don't let me have to stand in line next to him. Fortunately, the Lord must have realized my uneasiness and placed us far apart, in that situation, yes, the Lord does play a role in people's lives. But I'm not religious and proud of it. At least, my spirituality graduated past the kindergarten level that his never got past, and let me say "Fagetaboutit". I proceeded back to my seat without our paths crossing. When the funeral was over and done with, I put my coat on and exited the main room out the side door rather than down the main aisle. And I saw him again. I kept my head up, looked past him. I was almost tempted at that moment, I almost wished I could look him in the eye once again and he could see into the window of my soul - cold, cruel, unafraid, physical and mental power. How different I was from who you met so many years ago. When I got back to the car I turned my phone on and had a text from a party at home. "You'll be back tonight, won't you?" I texted back "Of course, lovey. Going to get on the road now, see you in a few hours. Be ready for me." Daniel Craig, you gave me the model in so many ways.
Trip home was seamless, I made it with time to spare had I not stopped for lunch but I was starving. I don't know if the man there joined the others in the funeral party for lunch and/or went to the cemetery to bury his ashes, he probably felt guilty he was away from something else and how else to atone for whatever sins he committed that day. Has he? He made up to my friend by being there for him when he was in a bad state. I stay out of that, that's their business. I returned home and had a pleasant evening as someone was waiting for me. One of many pleasant evenings.
But this blog is not about my friend's father, it was about another situation that presented itself at the event. I was nearly sickened to see that someone else showed up at this man's funeral when I saw him across the room. I quickly looked away and did not make eye contact. I didn't want to be near him. I have no idea if he saw me at all, and if he did he would probably play the avoiding game if he did. I expected to see him again. But I didn't say anything, because a person's funeral (like a wedding) is not where one does or says something to make it about them, it's about the person in question. I quickly channeled my inner Daniel Craig - cold, lifeless, never cracking a smile, dark. I had already made sure to check my appearance in the bathroom mirror before I made myself completely known. Not one hair out of place, my suit didn't have a speck of lint on it, my blouse was ironed as flat as a board without a single wrinkle and the collar was not folded under. I adjusted my cuffs, head held high and my posture strait up and down. I would not look at all meek, I would not look at all under distress, I would be perfectly at ease from afar, stiff as a board, hard as a rock.
I'd read and put myself through many training sessions on this topic in the past, on how not to be weak and frail. I have followed through with them - Find motivation or goal (a burning desire for something to happen or to achieve something), balancing and outweighing negative thinking with positive thinking, being compassionate to others also in pain or suffering (being a hero, rescuing people from dire situation, etc.), keeping an eye on the final goal while making a plan of one step at a time, accept responsibility for the things I can't control and accept the things I can control, not taking everything personally (it's not all about me, nothing is really "all about me"), not confusing want with need, not succumbing to self pity, see the past as valuable lessons, taking up physical discipline, balancing emotions with logic. And I have done that. I've done some other things to shape my public image to make myself dark and mysterious to others : spend a lot of time alone, be verbally silent and not get involved with others' problems or concerns, wear non-descript clothes, speak clearly when one needs to speak, not reveal much about my personal life or past, be unpredictable, have talents that set me apart which I keep to myself, maintain a polite tone of voice, look people in the eye when we speak, be stoic, have charisma (show that you feel good about yourself on the inside by holding yourself upright and never be weak), While I may not have the powers of a super hero, I know deep within I am a meta human like one of them. If there was one man who I wish I was half of, it's Daniel Craig as James Bond - dark, brooding, able to withstand anything, whose animal magnetism can attract any woman he wishes. And I am all of those things. I've become those things. All thanks to the horror that this man at the funeral put me through.
A psychic friend of mine looked at his photograph once that I showed him. This friend has a certain ability that he is able to read people by looking at them, which I envy, but he was either born with it or acquired it over time thanks to life experiences. When I showed him this man's image, he said the ultimate phrase I wish I was able to see when I met him for the first time : "He looks like he feels guilty about something. He's a religious man, isn't he?" And the psychic friend was right, I confirmed. Guilt ridden over things he could not control, be it his own failed vegetarian diet, or feeling guilty over drinking too many caffeinated beverages because caffeine is a drug, This "relationship" (if you want to call it that) drove me to places I had never been before, constantly reassuring a high maintenance person is exhausting work. When this God fearing man whose main mission in life was to be a good example to young people and to be what God wanted of men on Earth ended it by writing an email (nowadays it would be by a text message), once I had been through the initial anger and disappointment, I reemerged from the other side a new person. Cowardice would never be attached to my name, I would be brave, impervious to pain and suffering, diabolical in my wants and needs. Not necessarily evil, just cold and unfeeling, and get the things that I want by working as hard as possible towards that goal rather than sit and wait for God to give or take.
I was forced to give him a glance here and there, and make sure that my physical place in the room was far enough away at all times that we would not be near each other. He was older and fatter and his hairline had receded. I would expect that after nearly twenty years. He also brought his wife with him. I was pleased that compared to me her ass was as broad as a barn's, couldn't resist a bit of a dig here and there. He probably feels guilty he's married to her no matter what her personality is or is not. The only moments of true apprehension I experienced was when it was time for the communion portion of the funeral mass and people were filing out of the rows of seats. Please don't let me have to stand in line next to him. Fortunately, the Lord must have realized my uneasiness and placed us far apart, in that situation, yes, the Lord does play a role in people's lives. But I'm not religious and proud of it. At least, my spirituality graduated past the kindergarten level that his never got past, and let me say "Fagetaboutit". I proceeded back to my seat without our paths crossing. When the funeral was over and done with, I put my coat on and exited the main room out the side door rather than down the main aisle. And I saw him again. I kept my head up, looked past him. I was almost tempted at that moment, I almost wished I could look him in the eye once again and he could see into the window of my soul - cold, cruel, unafraid, physical and mental power. How different I was from who you met so many years ago. When I got back to the car I turned my phone on and had a text from a party at home. "You'll be back tonight, won't you?" I texted back "Of course, lovey. Going to get on the road now, see you in a few hours. Be ready for me." Daniel Craig, you gave me the model in so many ways.
Trip home was seamless, I made it with time to spare had I not stopped for lunch but I was starving. I don't know if the man there joined the others in the funeral party for lunch and/or went to the cemetery to bury his ashes, he probably felt guilty he was away from something else and how else to atone for whatever sins he committed that day. Has he? He made up to my friend by being there for him when he was in a bad state. I stay out of that, that's their business. I returned home and had a pleasant evening as someone was waiting for me. One of many pleasant evenings.
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