50 Shades of Ninja Turtles
Valentine's Day is once again approaching. This is the commercialization of love once again which is totally annoying, when we are to show someone that we love them by increasing the national debt. I know plenty of men and women from all walks of life who have things to say on it. Stereotypically women will show their inner gold digger when they do not receive diamonds or roses for this day, men want to vomit on their TV sets when they see commercials for said diamonds or roses and get bent out of shape when they don't get sex out of it and make fun of women who think it's about romance novels and chick flicks. (You won't believe this, but studies show that women who openly or secretly read romance novels have twice as much sex as women who don't.)
On this coming Valentine's Day I am, once again, unattached to anyone in particular. It's not the worst thing that could happen to anyone, of course, but I choose in my annual V Day blog to be a sort of confession because we share everything about ourselves on the Internet. Since I am no longer working at the assignment, I can, of course, share this no matter how embarrassing. Of course I will not reveal his name because I AIN'T CRAZY, but I will confirm that he taught math there. In his classroom management technique, he used a visual of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He had the four turtle heads in his room to represent the levels of how kids should behave in the turtle colors of red, blue, purple and orange. Exactly what each color was supposed to represent, I cannot recall, but it resembled the level of lockdown level. We had exchanged some friendly chit chat here and there, smiled in passing in the hallways. I decided to move upon the situation, but how? After conducting some research, I thought of the best way in which to do so mysteriously without being too creepy. It occurred to me while on a shopping trip in the toy section of Wal-Mart while checking to see if they carried Cards Against Humanity (which they didn't but Amazon.com would), and then I came upon the TMNT section of toys. I found a plush turtle toy wearing a red bandana and, on impulse, picked it up and put it in my basket. The next morning, I brought it with me at 7 am, and, knowing that no one would be there at that hour to rat me out, I placed it in his box anonymously. During the day, I passed by the glass office partition and checked if it had been found. Sometime that afternoon, his box was emptied and I was happy.
I let a few weeks pass and then decided to take it to the next level of my cunning plan. I decided to start a rumor that the students thought he and I were having an affair. A student asked me on Trick or Treat night if I was going Trick or Treating that night. I while I said I was too old to do that, he then said "I think you should dress up as Wonder Woman and tie up Mr. Blank with a golden lasso." I froze for a second and said "Say that again?" He repeated. That's what I thought you said. When I repeated it to the party in question he had a good laugh about it as well. And it was before others on staff so it was light hearted banter between coworkers. Phase 3 of the cunning plan was to contact him directly without worry of others knowing. An inside source got me a copy of all the personal phone numbers of the staff and I got his cell phone number. I sent him a text saying "It was me the whole time." He texted back "Hi, who's this?" I said "I will reveal myself soon." Later he texted to me "Does this have to do with the toy in my box?" I said "You are correct. Perhaps you need a hint as to who I am." He texted back "I have a few guesses but a hint would help." "Golden lasso." "That was one of my guesses! (my name)?" "You are correct." He texted back "Well thanks for the toy, he's keeping me company in my car now." After I was no longer working at the assignment, I decided to execute Phase 4 with a direct questioning. I said in a text "Since I am no longer working there, want to go out on a limb and ask you a question." He texted back "Go for it." I asked "Want to hang out sometime?" He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." Ouch. But I handled it with grace, I texted back "Neither am I in you. Love makes you fat doesn't it?" He texted back "Oh, my bad! Sure I would!" That was around Thanksgiving week and haven't heard a peep from him since. Ah well, I was a fool. I tried and still I was a fool.
Perhaps I am in a different phase of life now, but when rejected like so I would have gone into a bout of depression and self loathing. Instead I realize he is the loser. Too bad he was thinking of romance, because I was thinking more along the lines of "bag it, tag it, give it cab fair". Be kind of fun to leave someone in the dust like I did that one time years ago, let the men suffer for once. And if he came to me wondering where I went, I would just take the Christian Grey excuse when he explains to Anastasia "I don't do romance, my tastes are singular. You wouldn't understand." And 50 Shades of Grey is going to at last be on the silver screens this Valentine's Day as well. Maybe I'll go see it. All alone. That would be creepy.
On this coming Valentine's Day I am, once again, unattached to anyone in particular. It's not the worst thing that could happen to anyone, of course, but I choose in my annual V Day blog to be a sort of confession because we share everything about ourselves on the Internet. Since I am no longer working at the assignment, I can, of course, share this no matter how embarrassing. Of course I will not reveal his name because I AIN'T CRAZY, but I will confirm that he taught math there. In his classroom management technique, he used a visual of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. He had the four turtle heads in his room to represent the levels of how kids should behave in the turtle colors of red, blue, purple and orange. Exactly what each color was supposed to represent, I cannot recall, but it resembled the level of lockdown level. We had exchanged some friendly chit chat here and there, smiled in passing in the hallways. I decided to move upon the situation, but how? After conducting some research, I thought of the best way in which to do so mysteriously without being too creepy. It occurred to me while on a shopping trip in the toy section of Wal-Mart while checking to see if they carried Cards Against Humanity (which they didn't but Amazon.com would), and then I came upon the TMNT section of toys. I found a plush turtle toy wearing a red bandana and, on impulse, picked it up and put it in my basket. The next morning, I brought it with me at 7 am, and, knowing that no one would be there at that hour to rat me out, I placed it in his box anonymously. During the day, I passed by the glass office partition and checked if it had been found. Sometime that afternoon, his box was emptied and I was happy.
I let a few weeks pass and then decided to take it to the next level of my cunning plan. I decided to start a rumor that the students thought he and I were having an affair. A student asked me on Trick or Treat night if I was going Trick or Treating that night. I while I said I was too old to do that, he then said "I think you should dress up as Wonder Woman and tie up Mr. Blank with a golden lasso." I froze for a second and said "Say that again?" He repeated. That's what I thought you said. When I repeated it to the party in question he had a good laugh about it as well. And it was before others on staff so it was light hearted banter between coworkers. Phase 3 of the cunning plan was to contact him directly without worry of others knowing. An inside source got me a copy of all the personal phone numbers of the staff and I got his cell phone number. I sent him a text saying "It was me the whole time." He texted back "Hi, who's this?" I said "I will reveal myself soon." Later he texted to me "Does this have to do with the toy in my box?" I said "You are correct. Perhaps you need a hint as to who I am." He texted back "I have a few guesses but a hint would help." "Golden lasso." "That was one of my guesses! (my name)?" "You are correct." He texted back "Well thanks for the toy, he's keeping me company in my car now." After I was no longer working at the assignment, I decided to execute Phase 4 with a direct questioning. I said in a text "Since I am no longer working there, want to go out on a limb and ask you a question." He texted back "Go for it." I asked "Want to hang out sometime?" He texted back "I am not interested in you romantically." Ouch. But I handled it with grace, I texted back "Neither am I in you. Love makes you fat doesn't it?" He texted back "Oh, my bad! Sure I would!" That was around Thanksgiving week and haven't heard a peep from him since. Ah well, I was a fool. I tried and still I was a fool.
Perhaps I am in a different phase of life now, but when rejected like so I would have gone into a bout of depression and self loathing. Instead I realize he is the loser. Too bad he was thinking of romance, because I was thinking more along the lines of "bag it, tag it, give it cab fair". Be kind of fun to leave someone in the dust like I did that one time years ago, let the men suffer for once. And if he came to me wondering where I went, I would just take the Christian Grey excuse when he explains to Anastasia "I don't do romance, my tastes are singular. You wouldn't understand." And 50 Shades of Grey is going to at last be on the silver screens this Valentine's Day as well. Maybe I'll go see it. All alone. That would be creepy.
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