Why I won't be there

Just the other day I was on Facebook (as everyone else is constantly) and got a notice that I had been added to a group.  This was a secret group.  It popped up in the lower left corner of the screen, I was doing something else and by the time it registered with me that it had happened, the bubble disappeared.  Upon double checking things, I was rather surprised for a variety of reasons that a secret group had been created for my upcoming 25^th high school reunion, which will be next spring/summer.  25 already?  It seems like just yesterday I was just anticipating going to my 20^th reunion.  And being sorely disappointed with it.       

            I was in an usual feeling for the event, as I’m sure all are if and when they decide to go to their reunions.  I remembered thinking to myself once I had returned from the high school graduation ceremony itself that I would probably not ever go to a reunion.  And yet, I decided I was going to go once I got the invitation months before.  Excuses as to why I would not go?  Some would argue that thanks to Facebook, one does not have to go to said reunions anymore because you already know what is/isn’t going on in other people’s lives.  And it’s true really.  You are Facebook friends with the majority of people that you went to high school with, despite what your relationship was or was not.  Some people from my past, I am happy to say, I reconnected with and some have become better friends than when you were actually together going through it.  Others, you talk to them once a year, maybe twice.  And the majority of them, you never talk to except to write on their wall a Happy Birthday message.  I count that as talking, it’s interaction at the very least.  Who knows if they read it or not among the others?  We must not take these opinions with people and the inclusion of the internet into our lives.  Technology will not replace our want and need for human companionship, you must get out of the house rather than spend all your time in front of a screen.  Saying that thanks to Facebook you don’t have to is a lame excuse, however.  It’s kind of like saying that due to Instagram you don’t have to go to another family Christmas again.  And, I do that.  I interact with people, both online and face to face.  But with one or two of them regularly, with some once a year, and some not at all.  Of those who I do interact with?  We were never that tight during high school and we are not today.  Those who I am not Facebook friends with, those who have chosen not to accept the friend request, or those who either never were on Facebook or unfriended me at some point, chose to do so.  And I’m not angry about it.  It’s just what it is.

            The second argument is that the person hated high school and doesn’t want to relive it.  Certainly true for many, but is high school any different than adult life really?  Not by a long shot.  You find that out once it’s over with and you see people acting like they are still teenagers.  The whole world is still obsessed with who has how much or how little of something, who’s the best dressed, who’s having sex, who’s a complete mess, etc.  And chances are the answers to these and other questions are not any different than they were when you were actually in high school.  I think if I could sum it up in two words I would use to describe how I felt about high school, it would be “awkward” and “apathetic”.  I choose these words for a few reasons.

1)      Awkward – We’re all awkward when we’re maturing, physically and mentally.  We change as our bodies change and our minds do as well.  And while we go through that period, it’s called an awkward period, because it is, after all, awkward.  And we have awkward relationships with people during this time.  High school ends, and people go their separate ways.  And eventually we lose contact with one another because of it.  You either were not all that close to that person or people to begin with (which was the case), or you just outgrow each other.  You’re not there going through certain things together anymore and you have nothing in common.  It’s not something that’s unique to the people you went to high school with or the high school experience, that’s just life.  You’ll experience that with others at different points in life as well (jobs, organizations, interests, etc.).  At some point, you’re just done.  And is it a great loss, really?  I was blown away when I recently ran into someone I went to junior high school with.  As you do, you start talking about others you also went to the same institution with, and I asked how Jack and Jane were.  She had no idea of certain issues that Jane and Jack were facing, and how did I know about it?  I said I took the time out to question him and her about it, and we talked about it and why it was.  How little people really care about others save for themselves, then as well as now.

2)      Apathetic – There was/is something about my high school class that really bothered me, and continues to bother me to this day.  My class was probably the most apathetic class in the history of the world, and I’m not just saying that.  When you are with a group, there is a certain amount of “group think” that goes on.  All eventually adapt to each other’s way of thinking, behaviors, even appearance while there are cliques within the larger group.  For example, it was a trend that all the girls in my class (and it was an all girls’ school) eventually adapted to all have long hair.  During the first year, most had all lengths and styles, by the end of senior year, all the pictures were the same : we all had long, flowing strait hair about ¾ of the way down our backs.  Why?  We just did.  We adapted to one another’s behaviors by being around each other all the time even if we were not close or even interacted with each other.  And lest we forget the Power Balance of things that went on within my class, which was probably one of the most disturbing things I can recall looking back. The Bitches were in control of things.  They seized power whenever it was offered, then never did anything with the power once they had it, and did nothing but fail.  And they seized power and failed repeatedly in a variety of situations.  In one example, I was on a sports team and all The Bitches were on the varsity team because they were much, much cooler than others and needed to have the prestige and privilege of being on the varsity team.  All those who were not as cool but were the far better athletes were put on the junior varsity team.  They were the Haves, I (and others) was among the Have Nots.  And they let the Have Nots know of this in this situation.  As a result of this season’s mismatch, the varsity team laid a big, fat goose egg and the JVs were undefeated.  Reason why when asked?  They said they were not being motivated correctly.  Needless to say, when I was given the option of taking the exemption of the second semester of senior year gym requirement, I and others who were on said JV team chose to take the exemption.  Why should we bust our ass to do a good job let alone be on the team at all if our efforts were not going to be recognized or utilized for what we could give them?  There were a few times that others, myself included, attempted to take the vacant place and lead the charge.  And no one backed that person or any other.  Why?  Once the evil dictator was removed, no one cared one way or another if the project ever was completed.  The person or people who offered themselves as the new leader or leaders lost faith in the project and others around them.  And that was that.  So you really had no choice but to live in your own little world, not because it was safer or more comfortable, but because there were no other options.  That seems to be how it still is.

A third argument is that people don’t want to go to these things because all people ever do is showboat.  They just talk about themselves and all that they have achieved.  Well, yes.  It is a catch up time so of course people want to know those things as they had not seen you in how long.  During high school I could not and did not predict what would or would not happen to anyone around me.  It would all revolve around career and family accomplishments, and a quick introduction of a spouse and/or children if they are brought along.  They aren’t bad things, of course.  But … What if you have none of them?  What if you were made to feel as if they weren’t good enough?  Then you think, good enough for who?  And did they really care if I was the CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation or if I married my high school sweetheart, never worked outside the home, and have four kids named Biff, Doug, Skippy and Peaches?  Did they know what my dreams were or were not then?  None of them really wanted to hear about me, did they?  And did I want to hear about them when I didn’t really have that much interest to begin with?  I would at least attempt to, or pretend to.  The good and bad things are all relative.  And I’m not flamboyant, I’m not there to boast about myself.  Learned that the hard way with people, now I’m more secretive about things.  But would they really care about what I have seen and heard?  Did they want to hear about anything from the most life changing experience to the most trivial of mundane things?  And I’ve had a lot – the highest highs, the lowest lows, the greatest achievement and the tragic losses.  But … They don’t care.  They never did.  Like I said, apathy.

            True to form, I (and no doubt others, you know who you are) arrived and experienced a few awkward moments but had a glimmer of hope as well.  I had already documented my initial feelings on the matter in a previous blog.  I was proud of myself for bringing my handsome, fake, trophy husband C with me, he made it all worth the trip just for an ego booster and to make a hysterical statement or provide others with something to talk about.  But, did they really?  I was disappointed, still am, in the shenanigans of our party hostess who, in typical form, threw a temper tantrum and canceled the entire event all were looking forward to a scant 48 hours before all were to arrive.  Still not sure exactly what happened or didn’t happen, but she blocked me on Facebook over that blog.  Classy, but just as well (see above argument paragraphs).  I walked in with some hope that people had changed, I know I had.  I was no longer afraid, I no longer stay in the shadows because I was afraid of others.  I do it because I am strong and know to operate in the shadows because I am free there.  Daniel Craig mysterious and dark.

But I had awkward moments despite my resolve to be stronger.  They came because when I encountered the first few people from my class, they came up and hugged me.  I returned the hugs of course, but … Why were they hugging me?  We weren’t friends.  We knew each other’s names, some basic factual information, but not much else.  We did not socialize outside of the building, I had maybe one or two conversations about things with some of them.  Now that I think of it, I think I shared the most about myself in the high school French class when we got together for warm up conversation practice when we shared things about what we did over the weekend on Mondays.  It’s not that I didn’t try, but the answers when I offered a potential outing was either a no or, in the words of the red headed Goth rocker, to “go fuck myself”.  And yeah, that’s how it is.  And even thanks to Facebook interactions, we still aren’t.  Since the party was canceled from when we would do official check ins, no one had an opportunity to update others on what they were doing save for the Facebook thread that was created a few weeks before.  I was saving my story for that day, but it didn’t … Happen.  But then again, did they WANT to hear about things?  Did they want to hear about all those parties in the clubbing days I can’t remember, going to Egypt to see the pyramids all alone at age 24, the time I rescued my friend from a crack den?  Not really.  They just wanted to be seen or to hear themselves speak.  But no one spoke.  In fact, the most awkward moment of them all came when I was coming out of the bathroom and saw one of the Mean Girls approaching also on her way to the same bathroom.  We made eye contact for a moment, and instead of a “Hello (name) how are you?” all she said was a distracted “Hi” and kept going.  We really didn’t have anything to say to each other, I’m not bothered by it.  She was nicknamed many a crude name for her promiscuity (The Cum Dumpster, Greyhound – here comes the bus, everyone’s been on, Jenna Jameson, etc.) but she was proud of it.  Probably a whole other story to be written on her, but, like I said, I’m apathetic and awkward about hearing it.

And no one was pushing for things to happen either.  The Bitches were not there, I think they enjoyed high school the most quite honestly.  The Goths were not there.  What was left was the Miscellaneous, of which I was a part of.  And … It was so inept.  Why didn’t any of you care?  Why didn’t someone rise up and say since the party was canceled to offer their home as the party place?  I didn’t, because no one would have come to my house.  And I didn’t want them in my house either.  Was anyone talking about me or others?  I live my exciting life on social media, it’s not like it’s a complete secret.  I live in the same city that I attended high school in, plus I’m on Facebook.  It’s not like I have to actually don a nametag, I look pretty much the same save for the grey hairs and a few extra pounds.  No one even actually seemed to turn the past into the present from what I witnessed, having one of those “Remember that time when (blank) happened?” conversations.  No one.  We were all, like the first time around, just there being.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate anyone I went to high school with, not truly as they never really did or said anything vindictive or even friendly because we didn’t know each other.  I never bump into anyone while grocery shopping or out making the scene, I guess they just stay home of the ones who live in my city.

But I took away some very good lessons about how to conduct myself with people thanks to my high school years.  Thanks to all this awkwardness and the exclusion, I learned that one must have close, personal friends, otherwise one is lonely.  Loneliness and the want to be liked can lead us to do things that we later regret.  You must form a circle of friends that have nothing to do with either the school you attend or later the companies you work for.  When you are not lonely, when you have a full calendar of activities and events and things to do, when you have a wide circle rather than a narrow one that’s limiting you like this, you are happier with yourself.  Never attempt to have your social (or sexual) needs met by those you work with.  You become dependent on the people you went to high school with or those you work with and you are ripe for abuse and being taken advantage of.  Because they need you, not the other way around.  And I don’t need them anymore, nor do they need me. 

            I felt a certain pity reading what the party hostess was anticipating of her grandiose plans for that day.  I won’t be there, not by a long shot.  That chip on my shoulder has now worn down to a dull lump or bump.  You have other things in life now, even if it’s just a cat or plants that need watering.  I will also never support my high school again financially when I’d been generous before thanks to the antics of the party hostess.  Snotty?  Maybe so, but it’s what it is.  It’s like when people get out of jail :  You served your time; you can put it behind you now.  You're truly free now.