Character building
In the last few years, we have been bombarded with these anti-bullying campaigns that are prominent in schools now. When I was teaching last semester, I was curious to see exactly what changes were being made for this. The only additional changes outside of the basic classes was a new addition called Character Building. Out of curiosity, I asked to sit in on these classes to observe exactly what this was about. Most of these things are concerned with being nice to one another. Some are presented with situation that they are to interpret in a variety of ways. Execution of this can come in the form of role playing games, a "what would you do" Choose Your Own Adventure, or debating topics. These are helpful exercises in that it gives the teacher the ability to preform things that may or may not fall under state requirements as your standard health classes may or may not say (the introduction of birth control / sex ed, healthy eating habits, etc.) Students, in general, sit in rather bored silence with it. Are they better people because of this? Is the bully who may be present in the room learning something from this? Will the victims feel better about themselves and not bring in a gun and shoot up the place? Questionable. We still have school shootings, kids who commit suicide, and those who numb themselves with drug and alcohol abuse despite it. Those things will never change, each generation is subjected to go through and discover the same things as they come into their own, and will make the same mistakes that the previous ones did. The addition of Character Building blows me away, truly. Perhaps we have to examine the pathology of bullying in order to understand how and why it happens.
Why does it happen? There are several reasons. First, as in abusive relationships, the person who is doing the abusing may have been abused by someone in the past and then they become the abuser towards others. They act out their frustrations by becoming the abuser towards others. True? Yes, in many situations it can be, but then again just the opposite is true - if that person is abused by someone, they could counter it by becoming the most wonderful person possible and treating others nicely. Second, the bully could actually be a lonely person. They crave attention and acceptance by becoming the abuser, and they feel a great sense of power and satisfaction when they inflict emotional, verbal, or physical abuse upon another. Of this I agree fully. Bullies are far from insecure people, if anything they suffer from an inflated ego and are so pleased with themselves they don't need love and understanding and emotional stroking from anyone. They do it because they enjoy the attention and sense of power that results from it. Third, some say that bullies have problems at home. At home they could have some horror story going on and then have their aggressive behavior overflow into life outside of the home. I agree with this, but it's disheartening to say the least when the kid is the one who is doing the majority of the abusing (either to their parent(s) or siblings) and the victims who they also are living with allow it to happen. Fourth, some say that bullies have low self esteem and do it because they are angry about it. Not true at all. Bullies are very pleased with themselves and have inflated egos, and when they inflict pain and suffering on others they enjoy every minute of it. Fifth, bullies are jealous. This depends on the situation, truly, as female jealousy is something different than male jealousy. It also depends on what the bully is jealous of what the victim has that they want. If you are a woman, for example, and you are jealous of your coworker just because she is younger, thinner and hasn't screwed their life up as bad as you have but this is only the case simply because you are older than she is, this is different than the jock who is jealous of his fellow jock who can benchpress more than he can or can run faster around the track. Sixth, many bullies are part of a pack. Depending on situations, one can either be a rogue warrior or part of a pack when they are a bully. When I was in junior high school, for example, I attended with a very small class. Of the boys, there was one horrible, truly sado masochistic bully named TJ who lashed out at all around him. He was truly unique, as he stands to this day as one of the most sociopathic people I have ever encountered, but he was a rogue as he really wasn't friends with any of the other boys either, as far as I could see. Girls tend to require more group acceptance than others do; and, in what we now call Mean Girls, they tend to get more strength from their group who are in the same group, as in all friend groups, because they share the same values and attitudes. When bullying behavior is accepted, they feel power and gain acceptance from their group, which is what they want. Bullies, as far as I am concerned, do not suffer from low self esteem, they have inflated egos, like to inflict pain and suffering on others, and do what they do because they enjoy it.
So with all of that being said, how does one deal with it if you are being bullied? The above statements give a description, of understanding how or why the bully does what they do. Once that has been established, what does a victim do? This is what a victim must do in order to correctly build that character that many seem bent on having for themselves and/or their students. Some are not going to like what I have to say on this due to the Politically Correct Police coming to give me a lecture or two, but this is what I find is the most useful:
1) Learn Self Defense - I know this sounds cheesy, but take up a combat sport like karate or kickboxing. If you always "turn the other cheek", you may end up a victim more times than you would like. Many lack the knowledge or courage to fight back, and when I say fight back, I mean fight back correctly. If someone is physically attacking you, if it's life or death, you must fight back enough only to get away. Do not become the attacker, because you are better than that. They can spend the night in jail, you don't have to. Taking up a combat sport will improve you physically as well as mentally.
2) Condition Yourself Mentally - Mental preparation in life is essential for anything, especially when you are backed into a corner, either literally or metaphorically. You condition yourself mentally by becoming cold and unfeeling when necessary. Show no reaction, no fear, dark and menacing. Think Daniel Craig as James Bond. Read up on other great leaders who were able to achieve things, and this can range from an admired and beloved man like Gandhi to a cold hearted killer like Stalin to someone you may know and admire to a fictional character, like Superman or Batman. Read on what they felt their philosophies and ethics were and apply as appropriate. Once again, a hard or tough sport can contribute to this as much of it is discipline, commitment and pain is physical as much as it is mental. Achieving within this realm can contribute to your own physical and mental toughness.
3) Physical conditioning - Once again, the combat sport comes to mind, but it can also mean changes in diet and exercise, or taking up a physical discipline such as yoga. There is a mind/body connection, and you don't realize how important it is to have a mind/body connection until you have lost and regained it. If you eat nothing but garbage all the time, it will show in your physical and mental health. Have a healthy diet of five servings of fruit and vegetables everyday, avoid fast foods, and drink water.
4) Build an alliance - You may not have much alliance within a certain place that you spend a lot of time at (such as a school or work) but you can build alliances with others outside of there. It is essential to build these alliances and keep a broad range of friends from all backgrounds, ages, geographic areas and abilities. You never know if and when you will be called upon to use their connections, skills and knowledge. Chances are, the bully or bullies are only confined to their single place (school or work). The world is your oyster, they stay locked in their shells. Let's face it, who is truly more powerful, the shrew who screams at you or your hacker buddy who can find out tons of information and ruin organizations and individuals with just a few pushes of buttons? Who do you want on your side, a dim witted slut or a policeman who will jump in to protect you?
5) Verbal / emotional combat - There are two types of bullies out there, ones who are physically abusive and those who are verbally/emotionally abusive. A physically abusive one is easier to deal with in so many ways. Rarely if ever do people escalate to true violence, and if it is, it's confined to a single punch, slap or kick. If and when this happens, one can deflect or accept the single strike and counter defend, because ultimately that one strike is the one blast of anger the person experiences. Verbal and emotional combat are chances can be scarring in ways one can't imagine that can lead to making future serial killers. Stomp on their pride by countering (but not attacking) with a quick witted response or showing the bully that you can piss further than they can.
6) No reaction - Know what's really cool? Showing no fear and no emotion and keeping your cool under pressure is something that people admire within every stressful situation. The last thing you want to do is be seen as weak to others, be it bystanders or the bulling individual / group. Breaking down in tears is acceptable, just not in front of others. Show fear and you will be taken advantage of and hurt even further. It's ok to be scared to death on the inside but showing no fear or no reaction to the one who is trying to upset is a counterbalance to them. Soon the bully will not know what to do with you or will simply give up because they are not getting the reaction out of you that they want.
7) Get even - What this means can refer to as a variety of situation. The best way to get even is to have a good life, as we all know. Realize that there is more than this sad person has to offer you. Condition your mind, condition your body, condition your soul. Mental conditioning is important here and it can also become psychological. Think of the lecture that Hannibal Lecter gives Clairese Starling in Silence of the Lambs. He was locked in a cell, but he was able to get into the deepest part of the person by psychological combat. And don't be afraid to call that guy exactly what he / she is and that you see through their lies and their anger and say that you see who they really are and tell them just that. What do you have to loose? Ruthless organizational flare is much more than what they had to say to you about your flaws. The coldest blood runs through your veins, your heart is made of stone, you are the man of steel. You're not afraid.
Why does it happen? There are several reasons. First, as in abusive relationships, the person who is doing the abusing may have been abused by someone in the past and then they become the abuser towards others. They act out their frustrations by becoming the abuser towards others. True? Yes, in many situations it can be, but then again just the opposite is true - if that person is abused by someone, they could counter it by becoming the most wonderful person possible and treating others nicely. Second, the bully could actually be a lonely person. They crave attention and acceptance by becoming the abuser, and they feel a great sense of power and satisfaction when they inflict emotional, verbal, or physical abuse upon another. Of this I agree fully. Bullies are far from insecure people, if anything they suffer from an inflated ego and are so pleased with themselves they don't need love and understanding and emotional stroking from anyone. They do it because they enjoy the attention and sense of power that results from it. Third, some say that bullies have problems at home. At home they could have some horror story going on and then have their aggressive behavior overflow into life outside of the home. I agree with this, but it's disheartening to say the least when the kid is the one who is doing the majority of the abusing (either to their parent(s) or siblings) and the victims who they also are living with allow it to happen. Fourth, some say that bullies have low self esteem and do it because they are angry about it. Not true at all. Bullies are very pleased with themselves and have inflated egos, and when they inflict pain and suffering on others they enjoy every minute of it. Fifth, bullies are jealous. This depends on the situation, truly, as female jealousy is something different than male jealousy. It also depends on what the bully is jealous of what the victim has that they want. If you are a woman, for example, and you are jealous of your coworker just because she is younger, thinner and hasn't screwed their life up as bad as you have but this is only the case simply because you are older than she is, this is different than the jock who is jealous of his fellow jock who can benchpress more than he can or can run faster around the track. Sixth, many bullies are part of a pack. Depending on situations, one can either be a rogue warrior or part of a pack when they are a bully. When I was in junior high school, for example, I attended with a very small class. Of the boys, there was one horrible, truly sado masochistic bully named TJ who lashed out at all around him. He was truly unique, as he stands to this day as one of the most sociopathic people I have ever encountered, but he was a rogue as he really wasn't friends with any of the other boys either, as far as I could see. Girls tend to require more group acceptance than others do; and, in what we now call Mean Girls, they tend to get more strength from their group who are in the same group, as in all friend groups, because they share the same values and attitudes. When bullying behavior is accepted, they feel power and gain acceptance from their group, which is what they want. Bullies, as far as I am concerned, do not suffer from low self esteem, they have inflated egos, like to inflict pain and suffering on others, and do what they do because they enjoy it.
So with all of that being said, how does one deal with it if you are being bullied? The above statements give a description, of understanding how or why the bully does what they do. Once that has been established, what does a victim do? This is what a victim must do in order to correctly build that character that many seem bent on having for themselves and/or their students. Some are not going to like what I have to say on this due to the Politically Correct Police coming to give me a lecture or two, but this is what I find is the most useful:
1) Learn Self Defense - I know this sounds cheesy, but take up a combat sport like karate or kickboxing. If you always "turn the other cheek", you may end up a victim more times than you would like. Many lack the knowledge or courage to fight back, and when I say fight back, I mean fight back correctly. If someone is physically attacking you, if it's life or death, you must fight back enough only to get away. Do not become the attacker, because you are better than that. They can spend the night in jail, you don't have to. Taking up a combat sport will improve you physically as well as mentally.
2) Condition Yourself Mentally - Mental preparation in life is essential for anything, especially when you are backed into a corner, either literally or metaphorically. You condition yourself mentally by becoming cold and unfeeling when necessary. Show no reaction, no fear, dark and menacing. Think Daniel Craig as James Bond. Read up on other great leaders who were able to achieve things, and this can range from an admired and beloved man like Gandhi to a cold hearted killer like Stalin to someone you may know and admire to a fictional character, like Superman or Batman. Read on what they felt their philosophies and ethics were and apply as appropriate. Once again, a hard or tough sport can contribute to this as much of it is discipline, commitment and pain is physical as much as it is mental. Achieving within this realm can contribute to your own physical and mental toughness.
3) Physical conditioning - Once again, the combat sport comes to mind, but it can also mean changes in diet and exercise, or taking up a physical discipline such as yoga. There is a mind/body connection, and you don't realize how important it is to have a mind/body connection until you have lost and regained it. If you eat nothing but garbage all the time, it will show in your physical and mental health. Have a healthy diet of five servings of fruit and vegetables everyday, avoid fast foods, and drink water.
4) Build an alliance - You may not have much alliance within a certain place that you spend a lot of time at (such as a school or work) but you can build alliances with others outside of there. It is essential to build these alliances and keep a broad range of friends from all backgrounds, ages, geographic areas and abilities. You never know if and when you will be called upon to use their connections, skills and knowledge. Chances are, the bully or bullies are only confined to their single place (school or work). The world is your oyster, they stay locked in their shells. Let's face it, who is truly more powerful, the shrew who screams at you or your hacker buddy who can find out tons of information and ruin organizations and individuals with just a few pushes of buttons? Who do you want on your side, a dim witted slut or a policeman who will jump in to protect you?
5) Verbal / emotional combat - There are two types of bullies out there, ones who are physically abusive and those who are verbally/emotionally abusive. A physically abusive one is easier to deal with in so many ways. Rarely if ever do people escalate to true violence, and if it is, it's confined to a single punch, slap or kick. If and when this happens, one can deflect or accept the single strike and counter defend, because ultimately that one strike is the one blast of anger the person experiences. Verbal and emotional combat are chances can be scarring in ways one can't imagine that can lead to making future serial killers. Stomp on their pride by countering (but not attacking) with a quick witted response or showing the bully that you can piss further than they can.
6) No reaction - Know what's really cool? Showing no fear and no emotion and keeping your cool under pressure is something that people admire within every stressful situation. The last thing you want to do is be seen as weak to others, be it bystanders or the bulling individual / group. Breaking down in tears is acceptable, just not in front of others. Show fear and you will be taken advantage of and hurt even further. It's ok to be scared to death on the inside but showing no fear or no reaction to the one who is trying to upset is a counterbalance to them. Soon the bully will not know what to do with you or will simply give up because they are not getting the reaction out of you that they want.
7) Get even - What this means can refer to as a variety of situation. The best way to get even is to have a good life, as we all know. Realize that there is more than this sad person has to offer you. Condition your mind, condition your body, condition your soul. Mental conditioning is important here and it can also become psychological. Think of the lecture that Hannibal Lecter gives Clairese Starling in Silence of the Lambs. He was locked in a cell, but he was able to get into the deepest part of the person by psychological combat. And don't be afraid to call that guy exactly what he / she is and that you see through their lies and their anger and say that you see who they really are and tell them just that. What do you have to loose? Ruthless organizational flare is much more than what they had to say to you about your flaws. The coldest blood runs through your veins, your heart is made of stone, you are the man of steel. You're not afraid.
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